„What makes a good sailboat captain?“, I asked my husband while we were sailing last week. „Good assessment of the circumstances and making the right choices.“ How strong is the wind? How high are the waves? How fit is the crew? How reliable is the boat? Safety first.

He has always had very good judgement and I trust him 100% when it comes to sailing or navigating with me through our family life together. I am returning from our family vacation on the Baltic Sea with many reflections on the metaphor of navigating life like navigating a sailboat. Here is the first one that I would like to share with you:

The first thing you learn on a sailboat is respect and humility for the forces of nature. I will never forget the moment when my father in law (who is a strong, tall man and an experienced sailor) arrived in La Coruña after four rough days of non-stop sailing through the Biscaya with my husband, taking 4-hour shifts of steering/sleeping and only eating cold ravioli directly from the cans… The first thing he did when he set foot on land was head over to the chapel nearby and light a candle. It dawned on me just how rough the trip must have been.

When you experience a heavy storm, high waves or dense fog on a sailboat, you are immediately reminded of how small we are in this universe and that there is something way bigger than us. And you realize just how much you can and cannot control.

We have absolutely no control over the weather. The direction and the intensity of the winds change without much warning, sometimes in our favour and sometimes not. The same thing happens in our lives, there are always circumstances that are beyond our control.

At the same time, there are many things that we can control: We can get proper sailing training and practice. We can assess the chances and risks and prepare accordingly. We can build resilience and decide if we let our attitude shift towards courage or fear. We can learn to monitor the weather forecast, plan the route, adjust the sails and ride the waves as they come. We can have a backup plan and turn on the motor. We have a choice whether to leave the safety of the harbour at all. We decide which boat, which sailing area and the crew we would like to sail with.

What does this mean for our daily life?

Don’t waste too much of your energy on the things that are beyond your control.

Yes, they can be very unfair and painful and need processing. By becoming aware of the what these things are, you can make a realistic assessment and the right choices. By being flexible and adapting to the circumstances, you will be able to focus your energy on the things you can influence and thus move forward towards your destination.

Where are you sailing to?

Most sailors plan their journey by defining their final destination as well as a rough route with daily stops along the way. This route might be altered slightly according to the direction of the winds, but the destination remains the same.

You might also find a sailor who has no concrete destination. He wants to explore the world and go whereever the wind takes him.

„I am searching for happiness! I don’t know yet what that looks like but I trust that I will know it when I find it.“

I admire him for his adventurous spirit and his openness to seize the day and simply enjoy the ride. I actually see my younger self reflected in this! But what I have experienced myself and from what I observe, this comes with a price. It goes along with an eternal notion of restlessness and feeling lost. When this sailor finds a beautiful place where he feels happy, he stays for a while. But as time goes by, the happiness fades and he questions himself, is this really it? Or can I find more happiness in another place? And the cycle begins again.

Before you start looking for answers out there on the sea, first look for answers within yourself. Who are you? What do you want? How should the place be where you are finally happy? If you know that, your search might still take a while, but at least you know what to look for. And that’s the most important part of your search!

Let me know if this resonates with you and your expat life! Serial expats and Adult Third Culture Kids, how do you feel about this reflection? If you feel resistance, just as I did earlier in my life, write me your thoughts.

Sailing into the unknown

Did you know that the Polynesians are said to be the biggest sailors of all times? As much as 5000 years ago they built sailing canoes and started exploring the South Seas, covering an area of approximately one third of the earth’s surface. But how did they navigate without sextant, compass, maps or GPS? Without knowing their destination?

The Polynesians set out on their journey trusting that they will reach their destination without knowing the way. They had good sailing and observation skills, they were able to forecast storms and changes in the weather, read stars and currents. I find it fascinating that this wisdom was passed on from generation to generation only by their songs.

So they just set sail and sailed from one island to another, without knowing what was waiting for them in the end or where they would end up. They knew that the journey counted just as much as the destination. They concentrated on their observations, gained new insights, increasing the options on how to stay on course. New opportunities would come up along the way, allowing them to make new choices, change their world and broaden their horizons.

And sometimes it’s the same in times of crisis. The big goal is either not yet visible or still unreachable. Instead of being paralysed, get unstuck, free yourself from the current situation and sail off – relying on the resources you already have. On the way, opportunities will open up, you will cross other people’s paths and discover new land that will help you to leave this crisis behind.

During a crisis like Covid-10, we have no clarity on how things will develop, the uncertainty is big and it is real. If in the midst of such a crisis you cling onto your original goals and hustle because you absolutely want to achieve them, you are already weakened from the start. Instead, consider taking your eyes off the goal for a while. That doesn’t mean you’re aimless, but shift your focus away from the goal towards the things you can create, shape and design.

Creativity can only happen in the here and now, not tomorrow or a near future. This is the art of Polynesian sailing.

Try to sail Polynesian for a day yourself! Often a small impulse can create a big shift and goes a long way. Let yourself be drawn to the indefinite future, recognize and use your creativity and trust that you will reach your ideal goal, even if you don’t know what that looks like just yet.

Polynesian Sailing is a coaching metaphor created by Gunther Schmidt and was brought to my attention by a German podcast I regularly listen to called “Coachingbande”.

Sharing our personal stories and learning from each other is the most powerful way to find inspiration, community and growth. Gain a fresh perspective and expand your horizon!

(versión original en español más abajo)

Nancy, tell us where you are from and what motivated you to emigrate to Germany.

I am Mexican, born in Mexico City. Although my husband is German, I must confess that emigrating to Germany was not in my plans at first. My husband worked in Mexico for three years, three wonderful years we spent together in Mexico. He loved the country, he adapted very much to the Mexican culture, he speaks Spanish fluently, he loved the weather, the food and, for those and other reasons, I thought that the possibility of staying forever in Mexico was quite large. But at the time when my husband wanted to grow professionally, he did not find opportunities in my country and that was when the idea of ​​trying our luck in Germany began to take shape.

So I can say that there are two things that motivated me to emigrate to Germany: the first is love, and the other is what normally motivates me in all the decisions that are important in my life:

The fear of „what if“. I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

In addition to that, I thought it was important and above all fair, to get to know what life is like in my partner’s country, to give his culture a chance, to understand it and to learn from it as he did with mine. After all, he had also left everything and everyone behind to be with me. And I believe that sharing that experience – with everything that is enjoyed and suffered – has brought us together more, has made us understand each other better.

What do you value most about your bicultural marriage?

Respect.

I greatly appreciate the way in which we have been able to maintain respect for our cultures and reach agreements without making the other renounce their beliefs and customs.

What were the biggest challenges?

I think we have had two major challenges.

People who leave their country of origin – for whatever reason – go through migratory grief and that is very difficult to understand if you have not lived it. That was one of the biggest challenges.

Nostalgia appears, the feeling of loneliness and an exaggerated idealization of our country of origin.

I remember that at first it seemed to me that everything, absolutely everything, was better in my country, comparisons were the order of the day and that, for our partner, can be something very difficult to understand and can even become very exhausting . The person who did not leave his country can start taking everything personally, ends up isolating himself and the first big problems appear.

Also, a lack of identity appears in the migrant. In time I realized that not only did I miss my country and everything I knew, I also missed myself, the one I was. I was again like a little girl who needed to be taught from the language, how to move around the city, to translate the labels of the products in the super market, a girl who depended on others, and especially her partner, to do many things. Let’s not even begin talking about undergoing the paperwork and revalidation of studies or career. Suddenly I was not the same, suddenly I was nothing. This is somewhat heavy. That’s why I say that I believe that the fact that we both went through the same experience made us understand each other much better, we were more patient and knew that it is a process.

The second big challenge came when we became parents. The arrival of our daughters was another shake. There is an unconscious (and sometimes conscious) tendency to impose one’s own point of view, customs and beliefs when it comes to the education of children.

A bicultural couple needs to agree on the beliefs and way of life that they want to convey to their children and for this it is necessary to have a broad, respectful and sincere communication channel.

And it is not simple. And if we start to think that ours (Mexican woman and German man living in Germany) is one of many constellations that exist, we don’t finish. We can also have a French woman with a Spanish man living in England, or a Mexican woman with a Greek man living in Greece etc., and when there are children involved, the matter gets even more interesting.

How did you overcome them?

The first challenge, the one of the migratory grief, was with time and with support, understanding and empathy of my husband. It was a very long process. Another thing that really helped me to “get there”, to really feel that I was already where I had to be, was the arrival of my first daughter. When this whole matter stopped being about me, my nostalgia, my identity, my grief, when there was now a daughter involved, I could see that not everything was as I thought. Not everything was better in Mexico, especially in the aspect of motherhood and social security, unfortunately, which makes me very sad.

But I could see things differently and by changing my perspective, it changed my life.

The second challenge, the education of our daughters, I consider as overcome and here are three aspects that have contributed to this:

1. The principles and values ​​of my husband and mine are the same, and I believe that when that is the case, you are already on the other side. The other „details“, we have arranged with a lot of communication and openness. My husband has always been very respectful of my beliefs, of the Mexican culture, I respect and admire the German culture too and that helps a lot to reach agreements.
2. My husband and I speak the same language, that is, I speak German and he speaks Spanish and, amazingly enough, this is something that can make a big difference when it comes to reaching agreements, expressing and understanding feelings, ideas, wishes and also when it comes to educating children. I have heard cases of people who feel isolated from the education of their children when the spouse speaks to the children in a language he or she does not understand.
3. The support of our families. We have the great fortune of having families that respect our decisions regarding the bicultural education of our daughters, and not only respect them, but also admire the other culture. I am lucky to have in-laws and other family members that are proud to have granddaughters, nieces, great-grandchildren whith a different cultural education, who are growing up with two languages, who live within two worlds. My in-laws and my sister-in-law say that it is the greatest treasure I can pass on to them. And my family completely agrees. When the two families get together, there is a very nice atmosphere of affection, openness, respect and interest in each other, of ways of thinking, of living, and this facilitates and enriches my daughters‘ bicultural education. Now they even translate the conversations between the Mexican and German families!

What advice would you give to a compatriot (or „your younger self“?) who just arrived in Germany?

I would tell them that what they are living is a process, that they should allow their feelings to flow, that the do not fight against it, that they should not be reluctant, that they should not pay attention to what people will say, that they listen to their heart, that they get informed, and above all, that it is ok to ask for help, also professional help.

Something I would have liked at that time was to be able to find a psychologist or therapist who spoke Spanish. When I arrived in Germany, I did not speak German well so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to encourage myself to go to therapy in a language I did not master. Now there are more resources, for example, there are even therapists in Mexico giving remote consultation via Skype. I feel that now there is much more information and the work that you carry out with Chameleon, Wiebke, is a great help for expat in their adaptation process and for their emotional health.

Thank you so much, Nancy, for sharing your valuable experience with us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nancy comparte 3 secretos del matrimonio bicultural y una gran historia de amor

Compartir nuestras historias personales y aprender unos de otros es la forma más poderosa de encontrar inspiración, comunidad y crecimiento. ¡Adquiere una nueva perspectiva y expande tu horizonte!

Nancy, cuéntanos de dónde eres y qué te motivó a emigrar a Alemania.

Soy Mexicana, nacida en la Ciudad de México. Aunque mi esposo es Alemán, debo confesar que el emigrar a Alemania no estaba en mis planes en un principio. Mi esposo trabajó en México durante tres años, tres maravillosos años que pasamos juntos en México. A él le encantaba el país, se adaptó mucho a la cultura Mexicana, habla fluidamente el Español, le encantaba el clima, la comida y, por ésas y otras razones, yo pensaba que la posibilidad de quedarnos para siempre en México era bastante grande. Pero en el momento en que mi esposo quiso crecer profesionalmente, no encontró las oportunidades en mi país y fue entonces cuando la idea de probar suerte en Alemania comenzó a tomar forma. Así que puedo decir que son dos cosas las que me motivaron a emigrar a Alemania: la primera es el amor, y la otra es lo que normalmente me motiva en todas las decisiones que son importantes en mi vida:

El miedo al “hubiera”. No me agrada la idea de preguntarme un día qué hubiera pasado si hubiera hecho tal o cual cosa.

Además de éso, creí importante y sobre todo justo, el conocer la vida en el país de mi pareja, darle una oportunidad a su cultura, conocerla y aprender de ella como él lo hizo con la mía. Después de todo, él también había dejado a todo y a todos para estar conmigo. Y creo que el compartir esa experiencia -con todo lo que se disfruta y se sufre- nos ha unido más, nos ha hecho entendernos mejor.

Qué es lo que más valoras de tu matrimonio bicultural?

El respeto.

Valoro mucho la forma en la que hemos podido mantener el respeto a nuestras culturas y llegar a acuerdos sin hacer que el otro renuncie a sus creencias y costumbres.

Cuales fueron los mayores retos?

Me parece que hemos tenido dos grandes retos.

Las personas que abandonan su país de origen -por la razón que sea – pasan por un duelo migratorio y eso es algo muy difícil de entender si no lo has vivido. Ése fue uno de los más grandes retos.

Aparece la nostalgia, la sensación de soledad y una idealización exagerada de nuestro país de origen.

Yo recuerdo que al principio a mí me parecía que todo, absolutamente todo, era mejor en mi país, las comparaciones estaban al orden del día y éso, para nuestra pareja, puede ser algo muy difícil de comprender e incluso puede llegar a ser muy desgastante. La persona que no dejó su país puede tomarse todo personal, termina aislándose y aparecen los primeros grandes problemas.

Aparece también una falta de identidad en el migrante. Con el tiempo me di cuenta que no sólo extrañaba a mi país y todo lo que conocía, también me extrañaba a mí, la que yo era. Volví a ser como una niña pequeña que necesitaba que le enseñaran desde el idioma, hasta cómo moverse por la ciudad, que le tradujeran las etiquetas de los productos en el super mercado, una niña que dependía de los demás , y sobre todo de su pareja, para hacer muchas cosas. De hacer trámites y revalidación de estudios o de carrera, mejor ni hablamos. De repente no era la misma, de repente no era nada. Éso es algo fuerte. Por éso digo que yo creo que el hecho de que los dos pasamos por esa experiencia, nos hizo comprendernos mucho mejor, tenernos paciencia y saber que se trata de un proceso.

El segundo gran reto vino cuando nos convertimos en padres. La llegada de nuestras hijas fue otra sacudida. Hay una tendencia inconsciente (y a veces consciente) a imponer el propio punto de vista, las propias costumbres y creencias cuando se trata de la educación de los hijos.

Una pareja bicultural necesita ponerse de acuerdo en las creencias y forma de vida que le quiere transmitir a sus hijos y para ello es necesario tener un canal de comunicación amplio, respetuoso y sincero.

Y no es nada sencillo. Y si nos ponemos a pensar que la nuestra (mujer mexicana y hombre alemán viviendo en Alemania) es una de muchas constelaciones que existen, pues no acabamos. También podemos tener a una mujer francesa con un hombre español que viven en Inglaterra, o una mujer mexicana con un hombre griego viviendo en Grecia, etc, etc.  y cuando hay hijos de por medio, ahí se pone interesante el asunto.

Cómo los superaste?

El primer reto, el del duelo migratorio, fue con el tiempo y con el apoyo, la comprensión y la empatía de mi esposo. Fue un proceso muy largo. Otra cosa que me ayudó a realmente “llegar”, a realmente sentir que ya estaba en donde tenía que estar, fue la llegada de mi primera hija. Cuando todo este asunto dejó de tratarse de mí, de mi nostalgia, de mi identidad, de mi duelo, cuando ya había una hija de por medio, pude ver que no todo era como yo creía. No todo era mejor en México, sobre todo en el aspecto de la maternidad y seguridad social, desgraciadamente, cosa que me pone muy triste.

Pero pude ver las cosas de diferente manera y al cambiar mi perspectiva, cambió mi vida.

El segundo reto, el de la educación de nuestras hijas, lo considero también superado y aquí hay tres aspectos que han contribuido a que así sea:

1. Los principios y valores de mi esposo y los míos son los mismos, y creo que cuando éso es así, ya estás del otro lado. Los otros “detalles”, los hemos arreglado con mucha comunicación y apertura. Mi esposo siempre ha sido muy respetuoso de mis creencias, de la cultura Mexicana, yo respeto y admiro mucho a la cultura Alemana también y éso ayuda muchísimo a llegar a acuerdos.
2. Mi esposo y yo hablamos el mismo idioma, es decir, yo hablo Alemán y él habla Español y, parece mentira, pero es algo que puede marcar una gran diferencia a la hora de llegar acuerdos, de expresar y entender sentimientos, ideas, deseos y también a la hora de educar a los hijos. He escuchado casos de personas que se llegan a sentir aisladas de la educación de sus hijos cuando el cónyugue les habla a los niños en un idioma que él o ella no entiende.
3. El apoyo de nuestras familias. Tenemos la inmensa fortuna de tener familias que respetan nuestras decisiones en cuanto a la educación bicultural de nuestras hijas y no sólo las respetan sino que también admiran a la otra cultura. Tengo la dicha de tener una familia política que siente orgullo de tener a nietas, sobrinas, bisnietas que tienen una educación cultural diferente, que están creciendo con dos idiomas, que conviven con dos mundos. Mis suegros y mi cuñada dicen que es el mayor tesoro que les puedo heredar. Y mi familia es exactamente de la misma opinión. Cuando las dos familias se reúnen, hay un ambiente muy bonito de cariño, apertura, respeto e interés del uno por el otro, de las formas de pensar, de vivir y ésto facilita y enriquece la educación bicultural de mis hijas. ¡Ahora hasta ellas traducen las conversaciones entre la familia Mexicana y la Alemana!

Qué consejo le darías a una compatriota (o “your younger self”?) que recién llegó a Alemania?

Le diría que lo que vive es un proceso, que deje fluir lo que siente, que no luche contra ello, que no se resista, que no ponga atención al qué dirá la gente, que escuche a su corazón, que se informe y, sobre todo, que se vale pedir ayuda, también ayuda profesional.

Fíjate que algo que me hizo falta en aquél tiempo fue el poder encontrar a un psicólogo(a) o terapeuta que hablara Español.  Cuando llegué a Alemania, yo no hablaba bien Alemán entonces te imaginarás lo difícil que era para mí animarme a ir a terapia en un idioma que no dominaba. Ahora ya hay más medios, por ejemplo, hay incluso terapeutas en México dando consulta a distancia por Skype. Siento que ahora hay mucha más información y la labor que tú llevas a cabo con Chameleon, Wiebke, es una gran ayuda para la adaptación de un expat y para su salud emocional.

Muchas gracias, Nancy, por haber compartido tus valiosas experiencias con nosotros.