Hoping that you find something in here for yourself, I will now try to describe the first of my three re-entry experiences from my “younger self” perspective and then reflect on them with the knowledge and perspective I have today.

Re-entry #1

As a child of German parents, I was born and raised abroad. At home we always spoke German, I attended German schools for the most part and we spent the summer or Christmas vacations in Germany with my grandparents. I identified myself as a citizen of the world, with German being my dominant culture. I spoke German fluently and from my outer appearance I did not stand out very much from the crowd.

Only when I came to Germany at the age of 18 to start my education did it suddenly become clear to me: I was different on the inside. Pollock and van Reken describe this phenomenon in their book “Third Culture Kids – Growing Up Among Worlds” as that of the “hidden immigrant”. I had never danced to “Neue Deutsche Welle” music before, I didn’t know the traffic rules for cyclists and I simply didn’t understand many jokes because I grew up with a different kind of humor. In conversations with others, it became clear that I knew nothing about current social or political issues (it was 1991 and there was no internet back then!) and I felt vastly ignorant at times. Much of what I had learned in my life abroad and what I was proud of seemed to be completely irrelevant. My instinct to flee immediately kicked in: “I have to get out of here ASAP” and I wanted to go abroad again right after finishing my formal education.

In retrospect, this was in fact not a re-entry

Even though it was de facto not a re-entry for me, I had unconsciously developed the expectation that Germany must feel like home. But of course it could not. The only place-related feeling of home I knew was “being abroad”, that’s where I felt most at home. On the relationship level, my closest family was my home and, very importantly, my friends who had experienced similar things. We stayed in touch, travelled all over the country and abroad to visit each other, just to feel “at home” again. By the way, we still do that, just not as often.

I didn’t really settle down in Germany back then. All in all, those seven years I didn’t always live in the here and now. I was longing for the next adventure and always had some kind of exotic country on my mind.

Even though I felt very much at home in the cosmopolitan city of Hamburg, had an internationally oriented education, found wonderful open-minded friends, fell in love with the love of my life, landed an exciting first job and got to know the local culture, everything had an insipid aftertaste.

In retrospect, I know I could have enjoyed this time to the fullest. But there was one thing I hadn’t done: to consciously process those good-byes, my external and internal transition and my sadness about the losses. I did everything to keep myself happy with fun and new experiences until I could go abroad again. I believe this insipid aftertaste was owed to the fact that I was missing the exciting life abroad on one hand, but also because I was repressing and ignoring my deeper feelings so that I would not have to face the painful grief. At this point, I would just like to mention that the grief came many years later out of the blue and with double the force. And that is one of the things that I would have definitely approached differently with today’s knowledge.

So these are my reflections on my first re-entry, the next ones will follow soon. I hope I was able to take you along on my journey for a little while. Even though I experienced my return as Third Culture Kid, there are still some tips for returnees in general that I would like to recommend.

My 6 top tips for re-entry:

• Keep up to date with the news and media of your home country during your stay abroad
• Stay well in touch with friends and family at home, so that reconnecting will be easier when you return
• Ask yourself what your expectations for re-entry are and do a reality check
• Process your experiences and emotions consciously and seek support if necessary
• Reflect on how you can integrate the experiences and insights from living abroad into life at home in a way that feels good for you
• Look for other repats to exchange experiences and support each other

If you would like support with your own re-entry, I offer individual coaching and a brand new group coaching program. Feel free to contact me for a free discovery call or choose an appointment directly from my calendar.

For those of you who are parents of Third Culture Kids and are thinking about how to provide guidance for their re-entry, I offer informative sessions on the topic and will gladly recommend specialized colleagues from my network.

• Will I move back to my old place of residence or will I move to a completely new region?
• How often have I already been abroad?
• How long was I away?
• How well did I maintain contact with my home culture?
• What were the reasons and external circumstances for my return?
• What phase of life am I in?
• What are my educational or professional perspectives?
• What plans do I have for the future?

While some people are obviously overjoyed to be back in familiar territory, for many people disillusionment sets in after a while. Why is that? What exactly is happening? The topic of re-entry is complex and sometimes we find it difficult to put into words what we feel and experience, let alone talk about it with others. I would like to explain three important aspects of re-entry in more detail (based on Gerhard Winter, 1996):

1. Change of value orientations and attitudes towards life

At first, most returnees are happy to be back. They enjoy the comfort of familiarity. But after the initial euphoria, a sensation of emptiness and alienation may start to kick in. Why are people so stressed and inflexible? Have they always been so consumption- and performance-oriented? Abroad, people automatically take a different perspective and now look at everything with these new glasses. Depending on how long you’ve been abroad, the political climate has changed, the economy is in recession or even the whole country is in a pandemic with far-reaching consequences for public life. The topics in the press and also the discussions in the closer environment reflect a much narrower worldview than what one has developed abroad. People may appear self-centred or narrow-minded and seem to be unaware of how well they are doing compared to other countries.

2. Alienation from family and friends

The family and old friends usually welcome you back warmly and you enjoy this first time of reconnecting very much, because you missed them all so much abroad. For them, time hasn’t stood still either and babies were born, there were weddings, divorces, funerals, new jobs, moves and only those who have maintained contact abroad don’t lose touch. While you are full of enthusiasm and want to tell about all the experiences and important insights from abroad, you might encounter a lack of understanding or disinterest after a short time. Sometimes you’re even labeled as arrogant when you tell others quite naturally about a recent experience (“The other day on the Great Wall of China…”) Those who stayed at home did not follow along with your changes in values and attitudes, and it becomes painfully clear that you have “drifted apart” to a certain extent. Often returnees prefer not to talk about their experiences abroad anymore.

3. Loss of competence

The foreign assignment is often used as an important career step and is planned strategically. Therefore, professional reintegration after re-entry should be planned and supported well ahead, because all too often returnees are confronted with career regressions or little appreciation of their foreign expertise. This can lead to employees quickly seeking the next expat assignment or changing the company. In private life, it can also happen that the hard-won “foreign survival tactics” in the home country now seem obsolete (e.g. fast networking skills, foreign languages, right-hand drive or driving in chaotic traffic, tracking down English-speaking doctors, finding certain recipe ingredients, etc.). In addition, the partners who are travelling with them often had to take a break in their job and are now worried that their skills are outdated. A common challenge for a child is the change of school systems, who now appears incompetent in the new school system and has to prove himself against the prejudices of his classmates and teachers.

Back to square one or a new beginning?

The word returnee actually does not express exactly what it is. It is actually not a return to the old life, because after going through all these experiences and your personal development abroad, this is not possible. You have outgrown your previous life like an old pair of shoes that no longer fits. An important step towards re-integration and real “arriving” is the processing of the experiences and the emotions that go along with them. Returning home is just as much a transitional process as moving and settling in abroad – a process involving farewells, joy of reunion, grief, confusion and reorientation. This transition process challenges us to reflect and deal with ourselves and offers enormous potential for personal growth. This also includes dealing with your emotions – especially with contradictory and very unpleasant emotions. Emotions need to be felt, because if you ignore them, they will come back through the back door until they have your full attention. It takes time and courage. Corona has provoked an extraordinarily traumatic return for many expats. More than ever, awareness, patience and a large portion of loving self-compassion are needed.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again. – Azar Nafasi

You will be rewarded with inner clarity and inner peace, which clear the way for your new integrated self, living a joyful life with fresh courage and a clear vision for the future. As a coach, I accompany returnees on this path, because it is much harder to walk it alone. I consider networking with like-minded people equally important and decided to create a group coaching program for returnees called “Arriving” together with my colleague Christina Kapaun. You can find all information about “Arriving” here and check out the dates when the next group starts. In my upcoming articles you will find “My top tips for a smooth landing” and some insights into my own re-entry experiences. Stay tuned!

Sharing our personal stories and learning from each other is the most powerful way to find inspiration, community and growth. Gain a fresh perspective and expand your horizon!

(versión original en español más abajo)

Nancy, tell us where you are from and what motivated you to emigrate to Germany.

I am Mexican, born in Mexico City. Although my husband is German, I must confess that emigrating to Germany was not in my plans at first. My husband worked in Mexico for three years, three wonderful years we spent together in Mexico. He loved the country, he adapted very much to the Mexican culture, he speaks Spanish fluently, he loved the weather, the food and, for those and other reasons, I thought that the possibility of staying forever in Mexico was quite large. But at the time when my husband wanted to grow professionally, he did not find opportunities in my country and that was when the idea of ​​trying our luck in Germany began to take shape.

So I can say that there are two things that motivated me to emigrate to Germany: the first is love, and the other is what normally motivates me in all the decisions that are important in my life:

The fear of “what if”. I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

In addition to that, I thought it was important and above all fair, to get to know what life is like in my partner’s country, to give his culture a chance, to understand it and to learn from it as he did with mine. After all, he had also left everything and everyone behind to be with me. And I believe that sharing that experience – with everything that is enjoyed and suffered – has brought us together more, has made us understand each other better.

What do you value most about your bicultural marriage?

Respect.

I greatly appreciate the way in which we have been able to maintain respect for our cultures and reach agreements without making the other renounce their beliefs and customs.

What were the biggest challenges?

I think we have had two major challenges.

People who leave their country of origin – for whatever reason – go through migratory grief and that is very difficult to understand if you have not lived it. That was one of the biggest challenges.

Nostalgia appears, the feeling of loneliness and an exaggerated idealization of our country of origin.

I remember that at first it seemed to me that everything, absolutely everything, was better in my country, comparisons were the order of the day and that, for our partner, can be something very difficult to understand and can even become very exhausting . The person who did not leave his country can start taking everything personally, ends up isolating himself and the first big problems appear.

Also, a lack of identity appears in the migrant. In time I realized that not only did I miss my country and everything I knew, I also missed myself, the one I was. I was again like a little girl who needed to be taught from the language, how to move around the city, to translate the labels of the products in the super market, a girl who depended on others, and especially her partner, to do many things. Let’s not even begin talking about undergoing the paperwork and revalidation of studies or career. Suddenly I was not the same, suddenly I was nothing. This is somewhat heavy. That’s why I say that I believe that the fact that we both went through the same experience made us understand each other much better, we were more patient and knew that it is a process.

The second big challenge came when we became parents. The arrival of our daughters was another shake. There is an unconscious (and sometimes conscious) tendency to impose one’s own point of view, customs and beliefs when it comes to the education of children.

A bicultural couple needs to agree on the beliefs and way of life that they want to convey to their children and for this it is necessary to have a broad, respectful and sincere communication channel.

And it is not simple. And if we start to think that ours (Mexican woman and German man living in Germany) is one of many constellations that exist, we don’t finish. We can also have a French woman with a Spanish man living in England, or a Mexican woman with a Greek man living in Greece etc., and when there are children involved, the matter gets even more interesting.

How did you overcome them?

The first challenge, the one of the migratory grief, was with time and with support, understanding and empathy of my husband. It was a very long process. Another thing that really helped me to “get there”, to really feel that I was already where I had to be, was the arrival of my first daughter. When this whole matter stopped being about me, my nostalgia, my identity, my grief, when there was now a daughter involved, I could see that not everything was as I thought. Not everything was better in Mexico, especially in the aspect of motherhood and social security, unfortunately, which makes me very sad.

But I could see things differently and by changing my perspective, it changed my life.

The second challenge, the education of our daughters, I consider as overcome and here are three aspects that have contributed to this:

1. The principles and values ​​of my husband and mine are the same, and I believe that when that is the case, you are already on the other side. The other “details”, we have arranged with a lot of communication and openness. My husband has always been very respectful of my beliefs, of the Mexican culture, I respect and admire the German culture too and that helps a lot to reach agreements.
2. My husband and I speak the same language, that is, I speak German and he speaks Spanish and, amazingly enough, this is something that can make a big difference when it comes to reaching agreements, expressing and understanding feelings, ideas, wishes and also when it comes to educating children. I have heard cases of people who feel isolated from the education of their children when the spouse speaks to the children in a language he or she does not understand.
3. The support of our families. We have the great fortune of having families that respect our decisions regarding the bicultural education of our daughters, and not only respect them, but also admire the other culture. I am lucky to have in-laws and other family members that are proud to have granddaughters, nieces, great-grandchildren whith a different cultural education, who are growing up with two languages, who live within two worlds. My in-laws and my sister-in-law say that it is the greatest treasure I can pass on to them. And my family completely agrees. When the two families get together, there is a very nice atmosphere of affection, openness, respect and interest in each other, of ways of thinking, of living, and this facilitates and enriches my daughters’ bicultural education. Now they even translate the conversations between the Mexican and German families!

What advice would you give to a compatriot (or “your younger self”?) who just arrived in Germany?

I would tell them that what they are living is a process, that they should allow their feelings to flow, that the do not fight against it, that they should not be reluctant, that they should not pay attention to what people will say, that they listen to their heart, that they get informed, and above all, that it is ok to ask for help, also professional help.

Something I would have liked at that time was to be able to find a psychologist or therapist who spoke Spanish. When I arrived in Germany, I did not speak German well so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to encourage myself to go to therapy in a language I did not master. Now there are more resources, for example, there are even therapists in Mexico giving remote consultation via Skype. I feel that now there is much more information and the work that you carry out with Chameleon, Wiebke, is a great help for expat in their adaptation process and for their emotional health.

Thank you so much, Nancy, for sharing your valuable experience with us.

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Nancy comparte 3 secretos del matrimonio bicultural y una gran historia de amor

Compartir nuestras historias personales y aprender unos de otros es la forma más poderosa de encontrar inspiración, comunidad y crecimiento. ¡Adquiere una nueva perspectiva y expande tu horizonte!

Nancy, cuéntanos de dónde eres y qué te motivó a emigrar a Alemania.

Soy Mexicana, nacida en la Ciudad de México. Aunque mi esposo es Alemán, debo confesar que el emigrar a Alemania no estaba en mis planes en un principio. Mi esposo trabajó en México durante tres años, tres maravillosos años que pasamos juntos en México. A él le encantaba el país, se adaptó mucho a la cultura Mexicana, habla fluidamente el Español, le encantaba el clima, la comida y, por ésas y otras razones, yo pensaba que la posibilidad de quedarnos para siempre en México era bastante grande. Pero en el momento en que mi esposo quiso crecer profesionalmente, no encontró las oportunidades en mi país y fue entonces cuando la idea de probar suerte en Alemania comenzó a tomar forma. Así que puedo decir que son dos cosas las que me motivaron a emigrar a Alemania: la primera es el amor, y la otra es lo que normalmente me motiva en todas las decisiones que son importantes en mi vida:

El miedo al “hubiera”. No me agrada la idea de preguntarme un día qué hubiera pasado si hubiera hecho tal o cual cosa.

Además de éso, creí importante y sobre todo justo, el conocer la vida en el país de mi pareja, darle una oportunidad a su cultura, conocerla y aprender de ella como él lo hizo con la mía. Después de todo, él también había dejado a todo y a todos para estar conmigo. Y creo que el compartir esa experiencia -con todo lo que se disfruta y se sufre- nos ha unido más, nos ha hecho entendernos mejor.

Qué es lo que más valoras de tu matrimonio bicultural?

El respeto.

Valoro mucho la forma en la que hemos podido mantener el respeto a nuestras culturas y llegar a acuerdos sin hacer que el otro renuncie a sus creencias y costumbres.

Cuales fueron los mayores retos?

Me parece que hemos tenido dos grandes retos.

Las personas que abandonan su país de origen -por la razón que sea – pasan por un duelo migratorio y eso es algo muy difícil de entender si no lo has vivido. Ése fue uno de los más grandes retos.

Aparece la nostalgia, la sensación de soledad y una idealización exagerada de nuestro país de origen.

Yo recuerdo que al principio a mí me parecía que todo, absolutamente todo, era mejor en mi país, las comparaciones estaban al orden del día y éso, para nuestra pareja, puede ser algo muy difícil de comprender e incluso puede llegar a ser muy desgastante. La persona que no dejó su país puede tomarse todo personal, termina aislándose y aparecen los primeros grandes problemas.

Aparece también una falta de identidad en el migrante. Con el tiempo me di cuenta que no sólo extrañaba a mi país y todo lo que conocía, también me extrañaba a mí, la que yo era. Volví a ser como una niña pequeña que necesitaba que le enseñaran desde el idioma, hasta cómo moverse por la ciudad, que le tradujeran las etiquetas de los productos en el super mercado, una niña que dependía de los demás , y sobre todo de su pareja, para hacer muchas cosas. De hacer trámites y revalidación de estudios o de carrera, mejor ni hablamos. De repente no era la misma, de repente no era nada. Éso es algo fuerte. Por éso digo que yo creo que el hecho de que los dos pasamos por esa experiencia, nos hizo comprendernos mucho mejor, tenernos paciencia y saber que se trata de un proceso.

El segundo gran reto vino cuando nos convertimos en padres. La llegada de nuestras hijas fue otra sacudida. Hay una tendencia inconsciente (y a veces consciente) a imponer el propio punto de vista, las propias costumbres y creencias cuando se trata de la educación de los hijos.

Una pareja bicultural necesita ponerse de acuerdo en las creencias y forma de vida que le quiere transmitir a sus hijos y para ello es necesario tener un canal de comunicación amplio, respetuoso y sincero.

Y no es nada sencillo. Y si nos ponemos a pensar que la nuestra (mujer mexicana y hombre alemán viviendo en Alemania) es una de muchas constelaciones que existen, pues no acabamos. También podemos tener a una mujer francesa con un hombre español que viven en Inglaterra, o una mujer mexicana con un hombre griego viviendo en Grecia, etc, etc.  y cuando hay hijos de por medio, ahí se pone interesante el asunto.

Cómo los superaste?

El primer reto, el del duelo migratorio, fue con el tiempo y con el apoyo, la comprensión y la empatía de mi esposo. Fue un proceso muy largo. Otra cosa que me ayudó a realmente “llegar”, a realmente sentir que ya estaba en donde tenía que estar, fue la llegada de mi primera hija. Cuando todo este asunto dejó de tratarse de mí, de mi nostalgia, de mi identidad, de mi duelo, cuando ya había una hija de por medio, pude ver que no todo era como yo creía. No todo era mejor en México, sobre todo en el aspecto de la maternidad y seguridad social, desgraciadamente, cosa que me pone muy triste.

Pero pude ver las cosas de diferente manera y al cambiar mi perspectiva, cambió mi vida.

El segundo reto, el de la educación de nuestras hijas, lo considero también superado y aquí hay tres aspectos que han contribuido a que así sea:

1. Los principios y valores de mi esposo y los míos son los mismos, y creo que cuando éso es así, ya estás del otro lado. Los otros “detalles”, los hemos arreglado con mucha comunicación y apertura. Mi esposo siempre ha sido muy respetuoso de mis creencias, de la cultura Mexicana, yo respeto y admiro mucho a la cultura Alemana también y éso ayuda muchísimo a llegar a acuerdos.
2. Mi esposo y yo hablamos el mismo idioma, es decir, yo hablo Alemán y él habla Español y, parece mentira, pero es algo que puede marcar una gran diferencia a la hora de llegar acuerdos, de expresar y entender sentimientos, ideas, deseos y también a la hora de educar a los hijos. He escuchado casos de personas que se llegan a sentir aisladas de la educación de sus hijos cuando el cónyugue les habla a los niños en un idioma que él o ella no entiende.
3. El apoyo de nuestras familias. Tenemos la inmensa fortuna de tener familias que respetan nuestras decisiones en cuanto a la educación bicultural de nuestras hijas y no sólo las respetan sino que también admiran a la otra cultura. Tengo la dicha de tener una familia política que siente orgullo de tener a nietas, sobrinas, bisnietas que tienen una educación cultural diferente, que están creciendo con dos idiomas, que conviven con dos mundos. Mis suegros y mi cuñada dicen que es el mayor tesoro que les puedo heredar. Y mi familia es exactamente de la misma opinión. Cuando las dos familias se reúnen, hay un ambiente muy bonito de cariño, apertura, respeto e interés del uno por el otro, de las formas de pensar, de vivir y ésto facilita y enriquece la educación bicultural de mis hijas. ¡Ahora hasta ellas traducen las conversaciones entre la familia Mexicana y la Alemana!

Qué consejo le darías a una compatriota (o “your younger self”?) que recién llegó a Alemania?

Le diría que lo que vive es un proceso, que deje fluir lo que siente, que no luche contra ello, que no se resista, que no ponga atención al qué dirá la gente, que escuche a su corazón, que se informe y, sobre todo, que se vale pedir ayuda, también ayuda profesional.

Fíjate que algo que me hizo falta en aquél tiempo fue el poder encontrar a un psicólogo(a) o terapeuta que hablara Español.  Cuando llegué a Alemania, yo no hablaba bien Alemán entonces te imaginarás lo difícil que era para mí animarme a ir a terapia en un idioma que no dominaba. Ahora ya hay más medios, por ejemplo, hay incluso terapeutas en México dando consulta a distancia por Skype. Siento que ahora hay mucha más información y la labor que tú llevas a cabo con Chameleon, Wiebke, es una gran ayuda para la adaptación de un expat y para su salud emocional.

Muchas gracias, Nancy, por haber compartido tus valiosas experiencias con nosotros.