Hoping that you find something in here for yourself, I will now try to describe the first of my three re-entry experiences from my “younger self” perspective and then reflect on them with the knowledge and perspective I have today.

Re-entry #1

As a child of German parents, I was born and raised abroad. At home we always spoke German, I attended German schools for the most part and we spent the summer or Christmas vacations in Germany with my grandparents. I identified myself as a citizen of the world, with German being my dominant culture. I spoke German fluently and from my outer appearance I did not stand out very much from the crowd.

Only when I came to Germany at the age of 18 to start my education did it suddenly become clear to me: I was different on the inside. Pollock and van Reken describe this phenomenon in their book “Third Culture Kids – Growing Up Among Worlds” as that of the “hidden immigrant”. I had never danced to “Neue Deutsche Welle” music before, I didn’t know the traffic rules for cyclists and I simply didn’t understand many jokes because I grew up with a different kind of humor. In conversations with others, it became clear that I knew nothing about current social or political issues (it was 1991 and there was no internet back then!) and I felt vastly ignorant at times. Much of what I had learned in my life abroad and what I was proud of seemed to be completely irrelevant. My instinct to flee immediately kicked in: “I have to get out of here ASAP” and I wanted to go abroad again right after finishing my formal education.

In retrospect, this was in fact not a re-entry

Even though it was de facto not a re-entry for me, I had unconsciously developed the expectation that Germany must feel like home. But of course it could not. The only place-related feeling of home I knew was “being abroad”, that’s where I felt most at home. On the relationship level, my closest family was my home and, very importantly, my friends who had experienced similar things. We stayed in touch, travelled all over the country and abroad to visit each other, just to feel “at home” again. By the way, we still do that, just not as often.

I didn’t really settle down in Germany back then. All in all, those seven years I didn’t always live in the here and now. I was longing for the next adventure and always had some kind of exotic country on my mind.

Even though I felt very much at home in the cosmopolitan city of Hamburg, had an internationally oriented education, found wonderful open-minded friends, fell in love with the love of my life, landed an exciting first job and got to know the local culture, everything had an insipid aftertaste.

In retrospect, I know I could have enjoyed this time to the fullest. But there was one thing I hadn’t done: to consciously process those good-byes, my external and internal transition and my sadness about the losses. I did everything to keep myself happy with fun and new experiences until I could go abroad again. I believe this insipid aftertaste was owed to the fact that I was missing the exciting life abroad on one hand, but also because I was repressing and ignoring my deeper feelings so that I would not have to face the painful grief. At this point, I would just like to mention that the grief came many years later out of the blue and with double the force. And that is one of the things that I would have definitely approached differently with today’s knowledge.

So these are my reflections on my first re-entry, the next ones will follow soon. I hope I was able to take you along on my journey for a little while. Even though I experienced my return as Third Culture Kid, there are still some tips for returnees in general that I would like to recommend.

My 6 top tips for re-entry:

• Keep up to date with the news and media of your home country during your stay abroad
• Stay well in touch with friends and family at home, so that reconnecting will be easier when you return
• Ask yourself what your expectations for re-entry are and do a reality check
• Process your experiences and emotions consciously and seek support if necessary
• Reflect on how you can integrate the experiences and insights from living abroad into life at home in a way that feels good for you
• Look for other repats to exchange experiences and support each other

If you would like support with your own re-entry, I offer individual coaching and a brand new group coaching program. Feel free to contact me for a free discovery call or choose an appointment directly from my calendar.

For those of you who are parents of Third Culture Kids and are thinking about how to provide guidance for their re-entry, I offer informative sessions on the topic and will gladly recommend specialized colleagues from my network.

• Will I move back to my old place of residence or will I move to a completely new region?
• How often have I already been abroad?
• How long was I away?
• How well did I maintain contact with my home culture?
• What were the reasons and external circumstances for my return?
• What phase of life am I in?
• What are my educational or professional perspectives?
• What plans do I have for the future?

While some people are obviously overjoyed to be back in familiar territory, for many people disillusionment sets in after a while. Why is that? What exactly is happening? The topic of re-entry is complex and sometimes we find it difficult to put into words what we feel and experience, let alone talk about it with others. I would like to explain three important aspects of re-entry in more detail (based on Gerhard Winter, 1996):

1. Change of value orientations and attitudes towards life

At first, most returnees are happy to be back. They enjoy the comfort of familiarity. But after the initial euphoria, a sensation of emptiness and alienation may start to kick in. Why are people so stressed and inflexible? Have they always been so consumption- and performance-oriented? Abroad, people automatically take a different perspective and now look at everything with these new glasses. Depending on how long you’ve been abroad, the political climate has changed, the economy is in recession or even the whole country is in a pandemic with far-reaching consequences for public life. The topics in the press and also the discussions in the closer environment reflect a much narrower worldview than what one has developed abroad. People may appear self-centred or narrow-minded and seem to be unaware of how well they are doing compared to other countries.

2. Alienation from family and friends

The family and old friends usually welcome you back warmly and you enjoy this first time of reconnecting very much, because you missed them all so much abroad. For them, time hasn’t stood still either and babies were born, there were weddings, divorces, funerals, new jobs, moves and only those who have maintained contact abroad don’t lose touch. While you are full of enthusiasm and want to tell about all the experiences and important insights from abroad, you might encounter a lack of understanding or disinterest after a short time. Sometimes you’re even labeled as arrogant when you tell others quite naturally about a recent experience (“The other day on the Great Wall of China…”) Those who stayed at home did not follow along with your changes in values and attitudes, and it becomes painfully clear that you have “drifted apart” to a certain extent. Often returnees prefer not to talk about their experiences abroad anymore.

3. Loss of competence

The foreign assignment is often used as an important career step and is planned strategically. Therefore, professional reintegration after re-entry should be planned and supported well ahead, because all too often returnees are confronted with career regressions or little appreciation of their foreign expertise. This can lead to employees quickly seeking the next expat assignment or changing the company. In private life, it can also happen that the hard-won “foreign survival tactics” in the home country now seem obsolete (e.g. fast networking skills, foreign languages, right-hand drive or driving in chaotic traffic, tracking down English-speaking doctors, finding certain recipe ingredients, etc.). In addition, the partners who are travelling with them often had to take a break in their job and are now worried that their skills are outdated. A common challenge for a child is the change of school systems, who now appears incompetent in the new school system and has to prove himself against the prejudices of his classmates and teachers.

Back to square one or a new beginning?

The word returnee actually does not express exactly what it is. It is actually not a return to the old life, because after going through all these experiences and your personal development abroad, this is not possible. You have outgrown your previous life like an old pair of shoes that no longer fits. An important step towards re-integration and real “arriving” is the processing of the experiences and the emotions that go along with them. Returning home is just as much a transitional process as moving and settling in abroad – a process involving farewells, joy of reunion, grief, confusion and reorientation. This transition process challenges us to reflect and deal with ourselves and offers enormous potential for personal growth. This also includes dealing with your emotions – especially with contradictory and very unpleasant emotions. Emotions need to be felt, because if you ignore them, they will come back through the back door until they have your full attention. It takes time and courage. Corona has provoked an extraordinarily traumatic return for many expats. More than ever, awareness, patience and a large portion of loving self-compassion are needed.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again. – Azar Nafasi

You will be rewarded with inner clarity and inner peace, which clear the way for your new integrated self, living a joyful life with fresh courage and a clear vision for the future. As a coach, I accompany returnees on this path, because it is much harder to walk it alone. I consider networking with like-minded people equally important and decided to create a group coaching program for returnees called “Arriving” together with my colleague Christina Kapaun. You can find all information about “Arriving” here and check out the dates when the next group starts. In my upcoming articles you will find “My top tips for a smooth landing” and some insights into my own re-entry experiences. Stay tuned!