Rebecca Lüppen is the founder of SheExpat (www.sheexpat.com) and provides expat career and life coaching for female professionals and executives. She helps female expats actively manage the changes that a mobile life brings, balance work and personal life and interact confidently and successfully within different cultures.

Rebecca and I have known each other for a little over a year. We both live in Hannover/Germany and are co-founders of the “Institut für Mobilen Lebensstil”, where we teamed up with three other colleagues and specialize in empowering German-speaking families abroad. You can find us at www.mobile-familien.de.

I wanted to hear first-hand from Rebecca what it was like for her to return from abroad with her husband and four daughters just two weeks before the first lockdown. She talks about the particular challenges they faced, as well as the resources that have most helped her and her family overcome those challenges. You can watch the 30-minute Zoom interview on YouTube. The original interview is in German, therefore we’ve summarized all the key points in English for you here:

What were your biggest challenges when you returned from abroad right before the first Corona Lockdown?

• Repatriating at a time when everyone has to limit their contacts to their nuclear families and closest friends.

The feeling of finally being close to the family and yet not being able to visit them.

• Moving from a furnished apartment to an unfurnished house with four children, the youngest 6 months old. I only knew the house from the internet.
• After two weeks of school, my kids went into homeschooling.
• We were lucky, we scurried in just before lockdown or the move would not have gone so smoothly.
• Relative isolation of all family members.
• Organizational challenges I didn’t expect: applying for German birth certificates, German child benefits, etc. Everything was quite complicated because my former home municipality unfortunately hadn’t registered the children in the birth register (bureaucratic pitfalls…), health insurance…. somehow we were a special case everywhere. At the same time I was setting up my business, which is also a challenge but a very positive one.
• I definitely underestimated the “Fernweh” (opposite of homesickness) and still suffer from it a bit, especially since traveling is not possible. We wanted to show our kids more of Europe… that will all have to wait for now.
• And then there is the “Reverse Culture Shock”. As an intercultural trainer, I somehow thought I knew all about it and would be alright … well, what can I say … it caught me completely by surprise! I have problems with the mentality of my neighbors (friendly, but clear distance). Here in Germany, I miss a bit of the lightness in everything – of course, this can also be related to Corona. And I miss the “glamour” of expat life – the Ayi, a full-time housekeeper, great vacations, meals at five-star hotels several times a month and also the great house the company rented for us.

What helped you overcome these challenges?

• Optimism: I knew that we would manage well together as a family, because we have always managed everywhere.
• We have a positive attitude towards change.

External uncertainty no longer unsettles me internally, which of course helps. When you have started over in a new place so often, you just know that things will work out.

• I also knew that all the wonderful resources my Third Culture Kids have acquired would allow us them to settle in well. They are all open-minded beings who connect quickly, so I knew they would make friends again, too.
• I was determined to be very active in supporting the kids in find their new peer groups. So we planned a Welcome in Hannover party, because the children had already made their first contacts during a trial week at school and kindergarten, and I wanted to build on that – but the lockdown beat us to it. As soon as it was allowed again, however, we went for an outdoor climbing activity combined with a picnic, and were able to get in touch with some families that way.
• Of course, I’m also lucky that I moved near my former employer, so we were able to revive some “old” contacts from our expat days. This has particularly helped my big girl to meet up again with a friend from her communion group in Changchun. I also arranged to meet other expat women for a virtual coffee, some with a private focus, but also I actively reached out to those who also work as coaches for expats or intercultural trainers, and that’s how we eventually met.

In my opinion, the only way is to actively approach the environment. No one was waiting for us here, so you have to take action yourself.

What kind of support would you have wished for or did you make use of?

• For me personally, it was certainly good that I was still in my own coaching training, because there you explore yourself a lot. What I also experience again and again is that it helps parents tremendously to deal with what mobile life does to their children.
• And then, of course, I heard about your and Christina’s Arriving Program and was immediately totally excited. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to attend due to my schedule, but I you’ve told me about the topics that are discussed in the program. I think it’s something that can really help you in a very concrete way to realize certain things (what is a re-entry shock, what kind of attitude do Third Culture kids have towards the culture of origin they didn’t know, that wanderlust is a very common phenomenon, etc.). And then the opportunity to share it all in a group with other returnees who are in the exact same stage, that’s actually priceless.

Rebecca’s descriptions provide very good insight into the challenges of reentry and adjustment during Corona. We were also able to learn from her valuable personal tips for overcoming these hurdles. Thank you so much, Rebecca!

If you have also just returned home from abroad, you might find our Arriving Group Coaching Program for Repatriates helpful. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun we are committed to accompanying participants in their very individual arrival process. We combine well-founded background knowledge with proven strategies for a soft landing and offer the opportunity to exchange ideas with each other in a safe and benevolent setting.

The next starting dates as well as further information about “Arriving” can be found on this website. Furthermore, I offer individual coaching as well as preparatory reentry workshops. I would be happy to advise you in a free discovery call, which format is the most suitable for you. Please contact me by mail or choose an appointment via the calendar function.

You can find another blog article about reentry during Corona here. Have you also returned from abroad in the midst of the pandemic? I’m looking forward to your experiences in the comments!

The Corona pandemic has turned all our lives upside down and confronted us with unexpected challenges. It also hit many expats hard in 2020/21. It affects those who had just started their adventure abroad and are struggling to familiarize themselves with the new environment. It also affects those who have already been abroad for a longer period of time, but who now have to cope with a severely restricted daily routine and are plagued by homesickness because they cannot go on home leave or receive any visitors. Those who are just now returning from abroad are also facing quite a struggle. Because even if it seems like the easiest option at first glance, returnees have to overcome very special hurdles when they arrive home.

Reentry is a transition process

The process of arrival and adjustment that returning from abroad entails (quite independently of Covid) is underestimated by many. While the physical move has long been accomplished, our souls need more time.

We must take a rest from time to time and allow our souls to catch up with us.

And precisely because we have the expectation that everything will be much easier when we go home, feelings of shame, guilt and self-doubt add to the initial disorientation.

I should be adjusting faster, don’t make such a fuss. I should be happier, I wanted it that way. Why did I put my family through all this? Was it worth it?

No real goodbye

Now, if we add the Corona pandemic on top of that, it’s twice as hard as it would be under normal conditions. Healthy farewells require celebrating them consciously, cherishing the friends and places we learned to love abroad. If this is limited due to Covid measures, it becomes more difficult to process the time abroad in a healthy way.

Unexpected and early reentry

For some expats, reentry came suddenly and at short notice, sometimes ordered by the company. There were great concerns for an increased risk of contagion and travel bans. For them, there was very little time to organize the move and virtually no chance to say good-bye as planned.

What makes it so hard is the experienced loss of control and the feeling of being on the run from a lethal threat.

Upon arrival in their home country, repats face a period of quarantine paired with living in temporary housing, making it nearly impossible to settle in and establish a new home. Sudden evacuations also repeatedly affect expatriates in politically unstable countries and can leave deep, traumatic traces that should be psychologically attended to.

Family Separation

As I write this, it seems surreal, but it has happened this way to numerous expats in my network. In the beginning, this whole pandemic was thought to be over in a matter of weeks, a few months at most. This led to some expats deciding to continue their work on site while sending their families on extended home leave. Or there were other constellations that resulted in family separation, the wellbeing of the children being the primary focus. No one could have guessed how long the pandemic would keep everyone grounded and that they would have to lead a long-term long-distance relationship while living out of a suitcase. Lost in limbo.

Those affected had to cope with great hardship.

Also taking pets back home was often only possible under difficult conditions. Due to limited flight options, it was a whole new adventure to transport pets. I’ve heard stories about a dog that could only get a flight months later and a cat that travelled for days via mind-boggling detours through Tokyo and Moscow.

Arriving with obstacles

An important part of arriving and resettling in the home country for all family members are social contacts. And these are so very limited during Corona that you must be grateful if you get a chance to see at least the closest family members. Many other contacts simply cannot yet be reestablished in the way you had anticipated. When you return to a completely new region of your home country, you start from scratch again.

It’s a life between worlds, without being able to find closure for the old and fully engage with the new.

Parents are worried about their children, settling in at the new daycare center or school is constantly interrupted, and carefree play with other children is still not possible. Teenagers have a particularly hard time connecting virtually with their peers and establishing their circle of friends. For the expat partner, the return to work or the search for a new job is difficult, because the job market remained in a state of shock for a long time. Daycare is not always available.

In an interview, I asked my colleague Rebecca Lüppen about what it was like for her to return from abroad with her family of six just two weeks before the first lockdown. You can find our 30-minute Zoom interview on YouTube YouTube and a summary of the most important key messages in my next blog article

What helps?

It is essential to acknowledge that returning home in times of a pandemic represents a major multifaceted psychological challenge. Those who can fall back on strong inner resources will be able to manage better. However, these resources are put to a hard and especially long test as the pandemic painfully drags out the arrival process. Self-care is essential! Saying goodbye always involves grief. It’s important to allow yourself the necessary time to process and recharge.

No one needs to do this alone.

Partners, family, friends, employers – everyone can support, and you should demand it. However, if everyone’s batteries are running low, there is the option of seeking professional help. There is counseling available over Corona hotlines, but they may not be specifically familiar about the challenges of reentry. Qualified therapeutic support for children, adolescents and adults should not be skimped on. Feel free to contact me for recommendations from my network.

Exchanging experiences with other returnees who are going through something very similar is gold.

It allows you to find empathic listeners and the possibility to talk the burden off your chest. You will no longer feel like you’re the only one affected. One difficulty I see though is when people permanently pull each other down and persist in lamenting.

For those who want to proactively do something for their well-being, I strongly recommend reentry coaching. I offer this as individual coaching or as group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun, we have developed a three-month online group coaching for repats, in which participants can exchange ideas in a safe environment and are professionally accompanied by us in their arrival process. The topics and all further information about our “Arriving” program can be found here.

The experience with our participants has shown that the group coaching has triggered a powerful dynamic in them to work on their personal development. Despite the pandemic, they were able to make great progress and arrive more and more at home and within themselves.

Emotional Rollercoaster

In the 1960s, Gullahorn & Gullahorn’s empirical research established what many repatriates intuitively felt: Repatriates from a stay abroad suffer similar stress symptoms during the readjustment to their home country as they did when adapting to the host country at the beginning of their foreign assignment. As a result, they developed the W-curve of acculturation, which I have already illustrated in my blog article “Why we experience Culture Shock”. 

Such a curve cannot, of course, accurately reflect the experience of each individual, but it does illustrate that the expatriation cycle includes reentry and that there are typical ups and downs. The highs are called Honeymoon stage, the lows Culture Shock and Reverse Culture Shock. In between there are the stages of Recovery and Adaptation which may fluctuate. Basically, I find it reassuring to know that after every low, things will get better again. In this article I would like to explore the different stages of reentry.

The 4 Stages

The better prepared you are for your return, the milder your reverse culture shock will be and the sooner you can adjust. Let us therefore take a closer look at the 4 Stages of Reentry described by Craig Storti in his book “The Art of Coming Home” and let me add some of my own examples and experiences.

Stage 1: Leave-Taking & Departure – Good planning or abrupt ending?

The inner farewell begins months before the actual departure. Thoughts wander more and more often into the future: What will we do professionally? Where will we live? What school will the children go to? You write endless to-do lists for organizing everything from farewell parties to what to pack when, bureaucracy, etc.

At the same time, you unconsciously distance yourself a little, looking at your host country in a more critical way (“I’m certainly not going to miss the smog!”) and maybe even spending less time with your friends. This is an act of self-protection, so that the farewell doesn’t hurt as much. This stage is therefore characterized by a great ambiguity – rather typical for any major transition in life.

In 2020, many repatriates will have missed out on this stage due to the consequences of the Covid-19 pandemic, which will further complicate the process of coping with the return. If, for example, it was not possible to say goodbye to dear friends and places that have grown to your heart, if reentry is accompanied by a longer period of family separation, or if the children have not seen their classmates again before leaving the country, then this is a traumatic experience that should not be underestimated. It is advisable to seek support and give oneself time to process what happened in a healthy way.

Stage 2: The Honeymoon – Wearing Pink Glasses on Cloud 9

This stage actually feels much like a honeymoon or a home leave. You are full of joy to see family and good old friends again. You eat and do everything that you missed abroad. Everyone gives you a grace period and helps you settle in, not burdening you with any problems so far.

The Honeymoon stage, in which you see everything through pink glasses, lasts for about two to four weeks. Again, it is not the same process and intensity for everyone. Even within a family there can be big differences. It’s important to give everyone their space and be especially understanding. It is also important to keep in mind that in some cases not all family members return home (e.g. bi-cultural couples or children who were very young when they left the country).

Stage 3: Reverse Culture Shock – Subconscious Turmoil

The reverse culture shock is not a single moment or a sudden breakdown, but rather a complex, largely unconscious emotional state that can last for weeks or months. The transitions from and to the other stages are gradual. It is important to understand that reentry is a big change and takes time. Time to process everything. Space for the mourning over leaving a country, loved ones and a very special phase of life, in which you have grown a lot.

I have summarized the different causes for reverse culture shock in the following diagram based on what I found in literature, field reports, articles, and my own experiences. The areas affected by reverse culture shock are complex and often beyond our awareness. We often lack the vocabulary to describe the emotional chaos and name the pain points. This overview should serve as a basis for reflection.

Typical for this stage is the glorification of the time abroad. With a transfigured gaze, you rave about all the beautiful experiences and ignore the negative ones. Disillusionment sets in and now it’s the unpleasant aspects of home that stand out. Instead of wearing pink glasses, you now look through your “abroad glasses”, harshly judging the ones around you and criticizing everything.

Ironically, your environment expects that you have settled in and are doing well by now. On the inside, however, you suffer more than ever. You may not have a supportive friend by your side or even be ashamed that you aren’t happy. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with yourself, because little by little you realize the extent of your own transformation. You have changed and so have the others.

In addition, being a “cultural hybrid” comes with insecurities and emotional chaos. You start questioning if the assignment was worth it after all. A queasy feeling sets in as you fear you have to start all over again. In their jobs, repatriates often struggle with loss of status and autonomy. Everyday routines still have to be established, which costs a lot of energy. The transformation process is exhausting, and you have a tendency to be irritable, unfocused, unenjoyable, withdrawing and taking refuge in social media.

For children, the process can be just as complex and lengthy as for adults, even if they don’t show it so clearly. Here, parents should observe whether behavioral problems or longer depressive phases occur and seek professional guidance (see my consulting services and the reference to my network of experts). The responsibility for the children’s well-being often places an additional burden on the parents during this time. All family members need extra attention and loving understanding for each other.

Stage 4: Readjustment – Can we have it all?

And now finally the good news: It will pass! Sooner or later you will settle in and fully arrive. Now home feels familiar again, you meet friends at the supermarket, you are fully integrated in your job again, the children have settled in at school, the social network is in place. Routines and everyday life provide security, you regain control, develop more self-confidence and a vision for the future.

In this stage, both your countries can be viewed and reflected from a more balanced perspective. It becomes clear that you can combine the best of both worlds. It doesn’t have to be an “either-or” – you can create your own “as well as”!

Work with me

As a trainer and coach, I accompany repatriates through all stages, from assignment preparation and culture shock to reentry. I offer workshops as well as individual and group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun I have developed a group coaching program for repatriates called “Arriving”. Here you can find all the details about “Arriving” and the next starting dates.

• Will I move back to my old place of residence or will I move to a completely new region?
• How often have I already been abroad?
• How long was I away?
• How well did I maintain contact with my home culture?
• What were the reasons and external circumstances for my return?
• What phase of life am I in?
• What are my educational or professional perspectives?
• What plans do I have for the future?

While some people are obviously overjoyed to be back in familiar territory, for many people disillusionment sets in after a while. Why is that? What exactly is happening? The topic of re-entry is complex and sometimes we find it difficult to put into words what we feel and experience, let alone talk about it with others. I would like to explain three important aspects of re-entry in more detail (based on Gerhard Winter, 1996):

1. Change of value orientations and attitudes towards life

At first, most returnees are happy to be back. They enjoy the comfort of familiarity. But after the initial euphoria, a sensation of emptiness and alienation may start to kick in. Why are people so stressed and inflexible? Have they always been so consumption- and performance-oriented? Abroad, people automatically take a different perspective and now look at everything with these new glasses. Depending on how long you’ve been abroad, the political climate has changed, the economy is in recession or even the whole country is in a pandemic with far-reaching consequences for public life. The topics in the press and also the discussions in the closer environment reflect a much narrower worldview than what one has developed abroad. People may appear self-centred or narrow-minded and seem to be unaware of how well they are doing compared to other countries.

2. Alienation from family and friends

The family and old friends usually welcome you back warmly and you enjoy this first time of reconnecting very much, because you missed them all so much abroad. For them, time hasn’t stood still either and babies were born, there were weddings, divorces, funerals, new jobs, moves and only those who have maintained contact abroad don’t lose touch. While you are full of enthusiasm and want to tell about all the experiences and important insights from abroad, you might encounter a lack of understanding or disinterest after a short time. Sometimes you’re even labeled as arrogant when you tell others quite naturally about a recent experience (“The other day on the Great Wall of China…”) Those who stayed at home did not follow along with your changes in values and attitudes, and it becomes painfully clear that you have “drifted apart” to a certain extent. Often returnees prefer not to talk about their experiences abroad anymore.

3. Loss of competence

The foreign assignment is often used as an important career step and is planned strategically. Therefore, professional reintegration after re-entry should be planned and supported well ahead, because all too often returnees are confronted with career regressions or little appreciation of their foreign expertise. This can lead to employees quickly seeking the next expat assignment or changing the company. In private life, it can also happen that the hard-won “foreign survival tactics” in the home country now seem obsolete (e.g. fast networking skills, foreign languages, right-hand drive or driving in chaotic traffic, tracking down English-speaking doctors, finding certain recipe ingredients, etc.). In addition, the partners who are travelling with them often had to take a break in their job and are now worried that their skills are outdated. A common challenge for a child is the change of school systems, who now appears incompetent in the new school system and has to prove himself against the prejudices of his classmates and teachers.

Back to square one or a new beginning?

The word returnee actually does not express exactly what it is. It is actually not a return to the old life, because after going through all these experiences and your personal development abroad, this is not possible. You have outgrown your previous life like an old pair of shoes that no longer fits. An important step towards re-integration and real “arriving” is the processing of the experiences and the emotions that go along with them. Returning home is just as much a transitional process as moving and settling in abroad – a process involving farewells, joy of reunion, grief, confusion and reorientation. This transition process challenges us to reflect and deal with ourselves and offers enormous potential for personal growth. This also includes dealing with your emotions – especially with contradictory and very unpleasant emotions. Emotions need to be felt, because if you ignore them, they will come back through the back door until they have your full attention. It takes time and courage. Corona has provoked an extraordinarily traumatic return for many expats. More than ever, awareness, patience and a large portion of loving self-compassion are needed.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again. – Azar Nafasi

You will be rewarded with inner clarity and inner peace, which clear the way for your new integrated self, living a joyful life with fresh courage and a clear vision for the future. As a coach, I accompany returnees on this path, because it is much harder to walk it alone. I consider networking with like-minded people equally important and decided to create a group coaching program for returnees called “Arriving” together with my colleague Christina Kapaun. You can find all information about “Arriving” here and check out the dates when the next group starts. In my upcoming articles you will find “My top tips for a smooth landing” and some insights into my own re-entry experiences. Stay tuned!

Step 1: Learn the cultural code

Figure out the new cultural rules by considering not only national culture, but also country norms, regional norms, company/industry norms and individual differences. Also consider context and situation.

Step 2: Define the zone of appropriateness

Which behavior is appropriate in a certain situation according to the cultural code?

Step 3: Define your comfort zone

Define what feels natural and comfortable for you.

Step 4: Identify the overlaps and gaps

When you have an overlap, you’re cool. This is where you can be effective. When there’s a gap, you will need to practice to stretch your “adaptation muscle” to bridge the gap. In his book, Andy Molinsky offers a variety of strategies how to customize your behavior in order to extend your comfort zone. In case you are wondering why the others don’t have to stretch: They can, if they are aware and willing to. But remember, you cannot change others, you can only grow yourself! Check out this YouTube video where I share my own culture shock and coping strategy around punctuality in Chile.

“Like wearing a customized piece of clothing, adapting cultural behavior does not mean having to stuff yourself into a garment if it isn’t exactly your style. The tailoring changes the garment, but it’s still something you chose; it still allows you to express your own individuality.” – Andy Molinsky

 

But why do we have these painful culture shocks?

Take a look at the six most common causes for culture shock. Which of the 6 areas has affected you most? How did you overcome them? What was your coping strategy? As a general rule, the larger the cultural distance – meaning the extent of differences in values and communication styles between the two cultures – the bigger the shock. But it can also hit you, when you expect two cultures to be more similar than they actually are. We experience a cognitive dissonance when our values and beliefs clash with those of the new culture. This understandibly causes psychological stress.

What helps? Coping strategies for culture shock and adaptation difficulties:

• don’t panic, nearly everyone has some form of culture shock – it‘s absolutely normal!
• stay in touch with your support network (family and friends)
• make new contacts to locals and other expats
• get out and explore your new city and country
• get involved, join a club, practice your hobbies
• always expect the unexpected
• talk with other expats and get rid of that exasperation
• cultivate your favorite customs from home (cook favorite dish, etc.)
• do not underestimate the climatic adjustment
• have faith and give yourself time

Remind yourself of all the benefits of your journey:

• deeper insights into the culture, broadened horizon and intercultural competence
• personal development: increased self-esteem, more optimistic attitude, flexibility, more serenity and resilience
• new friends
• travel, experiences and adventures
• linguistic proficiency

As your intercultural trainer and coach, my aim is to raise awareness that culture shock is real and why it happens. I work with my clients to identify the areas that are causing distress and help them develop healthy coping strategies to move through this phase with more ease and grace. Check out this YouTube video where I share my own culture shock and coping strategy around punctuality in Chile.

“What makes a good sailboat captain?”, I asked my husband while we were sailing last week. “Good assessment of the circumstances and making the right choices.” How strong is the wind? How high are the waves? How fit is the crew? How reliable is the boat? Safety first.

He has always had very good judgement and I trust him 100% when it comes to sailing or navigating with me through our family life together. I am returning from our family vacation on the Baltic Sea with many reflections on the metaphor of navigating life like navigating a sailboat. Here is the first one that I would like to share with you:

The first thing you learn on a sailboat is respect and humility for the forces of nature. I will never forget the moment when my father in law (who is a strong, tall man and an experienced sailor) arrived in La Coruña after four rough days of non-stop sailing through the Biscaya with my husband, taking 4-hour shifts of steering/sleeping and only eating cold ravioli directly from the cans… The first thing he did when he set foot on land was head over to the chapel nearby and light a candle. It dawned on me just how rough the trip must have been.

When you experience a heavy storm, high waves or dense fog on a sailboat, you are immediately reminded of how small we are in this universe and that there is something way bigger than us. And you realize just how much you can and cannot control.

We have absolutely no control over the weather. The direction and the intensity of the winds change without much warning, sometimes in our favour and sometimes not. The same thing happens in our lives, there are always circumstances that are beyond our control.

At the same time, there are many things that we can control: We can get proper sailing training and practice. We can assess the chances and risks and prepare accordingly. We can build resilience and decide if we let our attitude shift towards courage or fear. We can learn to monitor the weather forecast, plan the route, adjust the sails and ride the waves as they come. We can have a backup plan and turn on the motor. We have a choice whether to leave the safety of the harbour at all. We decide which boat, which sailing area and the crew we would like to sail with.

What does this mean for our daily life?

Don’t waste too much of your energy on the things that are beyond your control.

Yes, they can be very unfair and painful and need processing. By becoming aware of the what these things are, you can make a realistic assessment and the right choices. By being flexible and adapting to the circumstances, you will be able to focus your energy on the things you can influence and thus move forward towards your destination.

Where are you sailing to?

Most sailors plan their journey by defining their final destination as well as a rough route with daily stops along the way. This route might be altered slightly according to the direction of the winds, but the destination remains the same.

You might also find a sailor who has no concrete destination. He wants to explore the world and go whereever the wind takes him.

“I am searching for happiness! I don’t know yet what that looks like but I trust that I will know it when I find it.”

I admire him for his adventurous spirit and his openness to seize the day and simply enjoy the ride. I actually see my younger self reflected in this! But what I have experienced myself and from what I observe, this comes with a price. It goes along with an eternal notion of restlessness and feeling lost. When this sailor finds a beautiful place where he feels happy, he stays for a while. But as time goes by, the happiness fades and he questions himself, is this really it? Or can I find more happiness in another place? And the cycle begins again.

Before you start looking for answers out there on the sea, first look for answers within yourself. Who are you? What do you want? How should the place be where you are finally happy? If you know that, your search might still take a while, but at least you know what to look for. And that’s the most important part of your search!

Let me know if this resonates with you and your expat life! Serial expats and Adult Third Culture Kids, how do you feel about this reflection? If you feel resistance, just as I did earlier in my life, write me your thoughts.

Sailing into the unknown

Did you know that the Polynesians are said to be the biggest sailors of all times? As much as 5000 years ago they built sailing canoes and started exploring the South Seas, covering an area of approximately one third of the earth’s surface. But how did they navigate without sextant, compass, maps or GPS? Without knowing their destination?

The Polynesians set out on their journey trusting that they will reach their destination without knowing the way. They had good sailing and observation skills, they were able to forecast storms and changes in the weather, read stars and currents. I find it fascinating that this wisdom was passed on from generation to generation only by their songs.

So they just set sail and sailed from one island to another, without knowing what was waiting for them in the end or where they would end up. They knew that the journey counted just as much as the destination. They concentrated on their observations, gained new insights, increasing the options on how to stay on course. New opportunities would come up along the way, allowing them to make new choices, change their world and broaden their horizons.

And sometimes it’s the same in times of crisis. The big goal is either not yet visible or still unreachable. Instead of being paralysed, get unstuck, free yourself from the current situation and sail off – relying on the resources you already have. On the way, opportunities will open up, you will cross other people’s paths and discover new land that will help you to leave this crisis behind.

During a crisis like Covid-10, we have no clarity on how things will develop, the uncertainty is big and it is real. If in the midst of such a crisis you cling onto your original goals and hustle because you absolutely want to achieve them, you are already weakened from the start. Instead, consider taking your eyes off the goal for a while. That doesn’t mean you’re aimless, but shift your focus away from the goal towards the things you can create, shape and design.

Creativity can only happen in the here and now, not tomorrow or a near future. This is the art of Polynesian sailing.

Try to sail Polynesian for a day yourself! Often a small impulse can create a big shift and goes a long way. Let yourself be drawn to the indefinite future, recognize and use your creativity and trust that you will reach your ideal goal, even if you don’t know what that looks like just yet.

Polynesian Sailing is a coaching metaphor created by Gunther Schmidt and was brought to my attention by a German podcast I regularly listen to called “Coachingbande”.

Silke from Germany shares with us how her husband’s sudden death abruptly ended her expat life in Mexico and what helped her and her four daughters overcome this tragedy.

Silke is a very esteemed intercultural trainer colleague of mine to whom I feel a special connection because of various amazing parallels: We both lived as expats in Puebla/Mexico although at different times, we both completed the trainer education at the same institute yet in different years, plus we now live less than 4 km apart. It was only two years ago that we met and we agreed that it’s a small world!

The other day we had a breakfast meeting, and I asked her if she would be willing to tell her story on my blog to encourage others who might be experiencing a difficult time during their expat assignment. She spontaneously said yes!

Dear Silke, describe your experiences as an expat partner and mother. What did expat life mean for you?

My husband and I first went abroad in 1994 and spent five months in Portugal. We deliberately started with a rather short stay, as wanted to see what it feels like to live abroad. At that time we had one child, our three month old daughter. The time in Portugal was so intense and enriching that we both decided to go abroad for a longer period if the opportunity presented itself.

And that was in 2001, when we already had three daughters (6 ½, 5 and 2 years) and were sent to Brazil. Our scraps of Portuguese would come in very handy, we thought. We soon realized that Brazilian Portuguese was very different, but actually easier to learn as far as the pronunciation is concerned. A challenge for me was the organization of daily life around three children with kindergarten and school. In addition to that, two of my daughters went to the International School and not only had to learn Portuguese but also English. It was very exciting to see how quickly they learned new expressions and how they mixed them up in three languages.

After three years, it was time to go back to Germany, but to a different location, namely Hanover. And here, culture shock struck us when faced with the German school/kindergarten bureaucracy. We couldn’t get a kindergarten place and the school wanted the girls to go back a year.

It cost me a lot of nerves to fight everything through and make sure that the girls continue feeling positive about their stay abroad and that they do not have any shortcomings.

In 2010, things got exciting again. Another expat assignment was on the table: Mexico. By now, we were six altogether, the youngest daughter was five, plus two dogs. I definitely wanted to move abroad again, but with two daughters going to high school and one in the middle of puberty – was that really such a good idea? There was a weekend when we all sat together and weighed pros and cons and with only one “dissenting vote” from the adolescent daughter, we decided to accept the offer. Mexico was – for me as a mother – as far as schooling was concerned, extremely challenging, even though this time they could attend a German school. Aditionally, I had two young daughters who wanted to go to parties and move around indpendently. Reconciling this with the Mexican circumstances and my need for safety was not always easy.

As you might notice, I speak a lot from the “first person perspective” when it comes to children.

My husband was so busy with his job that everything related to school, friends, hobbies, language teaching, household, contacts with Germany was completely on my shoulders.

Even when there were serious problems at school, I was always on my own to settle everything.

Your stay abroad came to an abrupt end. How did you experience and overcome this difficult time?

It was during our vacation in Cancún in 2013. My eldest daughter had just graduated four weeks earlier and was getting ready to go to Germany for her voluntary social gap year. One afternoon, my husband complained over a strong headache. He went to bed early, then got up at 10:00 pm and collapsed in the bathroom. At first I thought it was a heart attack, but then I noticed that one side of his mouth had drooped, and I knew it was a stroke.

He was taken to Cancún hospital. I will never forget that night I spent in the waiting room without any information, completely on my own (the children stayed at the hotel). The next day, my husband was responsive. The morning after, his condition worsened and he had emergency surgery. Three days later he passed away at the hospital.

These five days were like a nightmare for me. The children were at the hotel doing some activities, not realizing at all (or not wanting to realize) how bad their father’s condition wa. I drove back and forth between hospital and hotel three times a day. The fact that we were on summer vacation made things even more complicated as I lacked my social network from Puebla. Everyone was on vacation, either in Germany or somewhere in Mexico or the US. One family came over to the Riviera Maya for three days and stayed with my children at the hotel, which was a huge help for me. I called family and friends in Germany, kept them informed about the situation via Facebook. I talked to my husband’s employer in Mexico and we made plans for different scenarios.

When it became clear that my husband would not survive, HR sent down a person to support us. She helped me with the arrangements with the undertaker, checked the death certificate for accuracy, and coordinated everything with the German embassy. I couldn’t have done this with my limited Spanish. Incorrect Mexican documents would have made everything even more complicated.

My husband passed away on Thursday, on Monday we held a Mexican funeral in Puebla, next Thursday we sat on the plane to Germany (with his urn in our hand luggage!), and the following Monday we held another funeral in Germany. I organized all this, without tears, I acted in “emergency mode”, completely disconnected from my emotions.

What was especially important and helpful for your four daughters?

During the uncertain situation in Cancún, I have always been completely open with them, including the youngest (almost 7 years old). I talked to them about the different scenarios and the consequences, and I also let them feel my own perplexity and helplessness. And I told them over and over again that the five of us would get through this together.

And that’s exactly how things turned out.

Three of my daughters are studying at university, the youngest is now in 9th grade and we are very close. We still discuss many things together over a cup of tea, but everyone is very independent and makes their own decisions.

After our return to Germany, I tried to get back to some sort of daily routine as quickly as possible. All girls (except for the eldest) went back to school. They were allowed to miss a day or two, if grief was too much, but that was the exception. A new ritual was the afternoon tea time with our Mexican tea service during which everything was discussed, both practical and emotional matters.

What helped you get through this experience?

I think it was a mixture of pragmatism and mother instinct. The most important thing for me was to make sure the children were ok during the time at the hospital, the funerals and the sudden move. The childern always came first, I put my own needs last. This even went as far as quarelling with my in-laws, because I insisted on having a small funeral in Germany for the sake of the children and this was contrary to their wishes.

Pragmatism helped me in the sense of acknowledging that I could not change what happened and I was required to make the best of the situation, support my children in the best possible way so that they could cope with this loss and have a positive outlook on their future.

The previously described “emergency mode” lasted almost a year. After that, I fell into a hole, despite the fact that I had already passed my exam for the intercultural trainer. I sought professional help with a coach. The coaching was less about grief processing, but more about gaining clarity on where I was going. The image in my head was that I was swimming to stay afloat, I wasn’t drowning. eBut I wanted to know where the land is and in which direction I have to swim. I worked with the coach for almost two years – a very intense experience during which I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person.

What could other expat women learn from you?

What I would like to pass on to all expat women: During this time, when I was on my own with this situation in Cancún, I was grateful for every Spanish lesson that I had taken and glad that I could halfway understand what the nurses said to each other off the official record. All the things I needed to organize would have been impossible without a decent knowledge of the local language and how to say it.

The experience of living abroad was very enriching. Not only have I gained many skills and knowledge regarding languages and culture. I have gained a lot confidence in myself.

I dare to master difficult situations, face the unknown and stay curious about what lies beyond the obvious. I have gained the confidence that I am able to solve any problem. There are usually a variety of paths that lead to a solution and there is no such thing as the one right way.

How did you re-enter professional life after all those years?

 When my husband started working, we moved to Emden and I gave up my job in order to be a stay-at-home mum. We had agreed on this together and there were only few days where I regretted this decision.

After the passing of my husband, I had been out of the job market for 20 years and I realized that my technical education was not up to date anymore.

But I had experienced so much abroad and had many intercultural experiences so I had the idea to become an “intercultural trainer”. First, I took a two-day trial  “Train-the-Trainer” workshop, because I didn’t know if I could stand in front of participants and talk and have fun at the same time.

As this experiment turned out very positive, I signed up for the intercultural trainer course, and dove into this new topic with a lot of enthusiasm and thirst for knowledge. A year later, I signed up for a 9-month business trainer course and since then, I have continuously invested in my professional development.

Currently I am self-employed, I work for administrative departments, the German Skilled Craft Organisation (“Handwerkskammer”), public institutions and hospitals on the topic intercultural competence. Another area I provide trainings for is time and self-management, predomintantly in a corporate context.

Dear Silke, Thank you very much for your confidence and your courage to share your story with us. She will certainly move many hearts.

 If you would like to contact Silke, you can do so via the comments or directly by e-mail to info@von-hoffmann.de. Learn more about her work here: www.von-hoffmann.de.

Here in Germany, you can join the traditional clubs (called “Vereine”) very easily and at a very low annual fee. These “Vereine” play an import role in the German society as the trainers work on a mainly voluntary basis, thus making sports accessible to everyone. Additionally, there are also many other types of clubs for whichever hobby you can think of.

Our own particular interests are so-called “identity anchors” that remain constant throughout our lives, even if we move frequently and our environment changes. Look for a club that allows you to feel comfortable and in tune with your anchors and build a “tribe” of like-minded people as it plays a major role in fulfilling our basic human need to belong.

Personally, I am very happy to have found IWAH, the Internationals Women’s Association Hannover. It’s actually a one-in-all club as there is a huge variety of interest groups, activities and nationalities. I especially appreciate the international crowd and being able to speak different languages, connect to different parts of my personality, learn about the other women’s fascinating life stories as well as share memories of the countries I’ve been to.

Last week it was my turn to give a talk about an interesting topic from my professional area as an intercultural trainer. I shared some insights on unconscious bias and why this matters to us. The audience was very participant and engaged in my various exercises with great enthusiasm and openness. It wasn’t easy for me to step out of my comfort zone and get on the “stage”, but I felt in touch with my anchors and hopefully could provide some interesting impulses for the fellow IWAH ladies.

I would like to close with one of my favourite quotes by Brené Brown: “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”