Emotional Rollercoaster

In the 1960s, Gullahorn & Gullahorn’s empirical research established what many repatriates intuitively felt: Repatriates from a stay abroad suffer similar stress symptoms during the readjustment to their home country as they did when adapting to the host country at the beginning of their foreign assignment. As a result, they developed the W-curve of acculturation, which I have already illustrated in my blog article “Why we experience Culture Shock”. 

Such a curve cannot, of course, accurately reflect the experience of each individual, but it does illustrate that the expatriation cycle includes reentry and that there are typical ups and downs. The highs are called Honeymoon stage, the lows Culture Shock and Reverse Culture Shock. In between there are the stages of Recovery and Adaptation which may fluctuate. Basically, I find it reassuring to know that after every low, things will get better again. In this article I would like to explore the different stages of reentry.

The 4 Stages

The better prepared you are for your return, the milder your reverse culture shock will be and the sooner you can adjust. Let us therefore take a closer look at the 4 Stages of Reentry described by Craig Storti in his book “The Art of Coming Home” and let me add some of my own examples and experiences.

Stage 1: Leave-Taking & Departure – Good planning or abrupt ending?

The inner farewell begins months before the actual departure. Thoughts wander more and more often into the future: What will we do professionally? Where will we live? What school will the children go to? You write endless to-do lists for organizing everything from farewell parties to what to pack when, bureaucracy, etc.

At the same time, you unconsciously distance yourself a little, looking at your host country in a more critical way (“I’m certainly not going to miss the smog!”) and maybe even spending less time with your friends. This is an act of self-protection, so that the farewell doesn’t hurt as much. This stage is therefore characterized by a great ambiguity – rather typical for any major transition in life.

In 2020, many repatriates will have missed out on this stage due to the consequences of the Covid-19 pandemic, which will further complicate the process of coping with the return. If, for example, it was not possible to say goodbye to dear friends and places that have grown to your heart, if reentry is accompanied by a longer period of family separation, or if the children have not seen their classmates again before leaving the country, then this is a traumatic experience that should not be underestimated. It is advisable to seek support and give oneself time to process what happened in a healthy way.

Stage 2: The Honeymoon – Wearing Pink Glasses on Cloud 9

This stage actually feels much like a honeymoon or a home leave. You are full of joy to see family and good old friends again. You eat and do everything that you missed abroad. Everyone gives you a grace period and helps you settle in, not burdening you with any problems so far.

The Honeymoon stage, in which you see everything through pink glasses, lasts for about two to four weeks. Again, it is not the same process and intensity for everyone. Even within a family there can be big differences. It’s important to give everyone their space and be especially understanding. It is also important to keep in mind that in some cases not all family members return home (e.g. bi-cultural couples or children who were very young when they left the country).

Stage 3: Reverse Culture Shock – Subconscious Turmoil

The reverse culture shock is not a single moment or a sudden breakdown, but rather a complex, largely unconscious emotional state that can last for weeks or months. The transitions from and to the other stages are gradual. It is important to understand that reentry is a big change and takes time. Time to process everything. Space for the mourning over leaving a country, loved ones and a very special phase of life, in which you have grown a lot.

I have summarized the different causes for reverse culture shock in the following diagram based on what I found in literature, field reports, articles, and my own experiences. The areas affected by reverse culture shock are complex and often beyond our awareness. We often lack the vocabulary to describe the emotional chaos and name the pain points. This overview should serve as a basis for reflection.

Typical for this stage is the glorification of the time abroad. With a transfigured gaze, you rave about all the beautiful experiences and ignore the negative ones. Disillusionment sets in and now it’s the unpleasant aspects of home that stand out. Instead of wearing pink glasses, you now look through your “abroad glasses”, harshly judging the ones around you and criticizing everything.

Ironically, your environment expects that you have settled in and are doing well by now. On the inside, however, you suffer more than ever. You may not have a supportive friend by your side or even be ashamed that you aren’t happy. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with yourself, because little by little you realize the extent of your own transformation. You have changed and so have the others.

In addition, being a “cultural hybrid” comes with insecurities and emotional chaos. You start questioning if the assignment was worth it after all. A queasy feeling sets in as you fear you have to start all over again. In their jobs, repatriates often struggle with loss of status and autonomy. Everyday routines still have to be established, which costs a lot of energy. The transformation process is exhausting, and you have a tendency to be irritable, unfocused, unenjoyable, withdrawing and taking refuge in social media.

For children, the process can be just as complex and lengthy as for adults, even if they don’t show it so clearly. Here, parents should observe whether behavioral problems or longer depressive phases occur and seek professional guidance (see my consulting services and the reference to my network of experts). The responsibility for the children’s well-being often places an additional burden on the parents during this time. All family members need extra attention and loving understanding for each other.

Stage 4: Readjustment – Can we have it all?

And now finally the good news: It will pass! Sooner or later you will settle in and fully arrive. Now home feels familiar again, you meet friends at the supermarket, you are fully integrated in your job again, the children have settled in at school, the social network is in place. Routines and everyday life provide security, you regain control, develop more self-confidence and a vision for the future.

In this stage, both your countries can be viewed and reflected from a more balanced perspective. It becomes clear that you can combine the best of both worlds. It doesn’t have to be an “either-or” – you can create your own “as well as”!

Work with me

As a trainer and coach, I accompany repatriates through all stages, from assignment preparation and culture shock to reentry. I offer workshops as well as individual and group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun I have developed a group coaching program for repatriates called “Arriving”. Here you can find all the details about “Arriving” and the next starting dates.

• Will I move back to my old place of residence or will I move to a completely new region?
• How often have I already been abroad?
• How long was I away?
• How well did I maintain contact with my home culture?
• What were the reasons and external circumstances for my return?
• What phase of life am I in?
• What are my educational or professional perspectives?
• What plans do I have for the future?

While some people are obviously overjoyed to be back in familiar territory, for many people disillusionment sets in after a while. Why is that? What exactly is happening? The topic of re-entry is complex and sometimes we find it difficult to put into words what we feel and experience, let alone talk about it with others. I would like to explain three important aspects of re-entry in more detail (based on Gerhard Winter, 1996):

1. Change of value orientations and attitudes towards life

At first, most returnees are happy to be back. They enjoy the comfort of familiarity. But after the initial euphoria, a sensation of emptiness and alienation may start to kick in. Why are people so stressed and inflexible? Have they always been so consumption- and performance-oriented? Abroad, people automatically take a different perspective and now look at everything with these new glasses. Depending on how long you’ve been abroad, the political climate has changed, the economy is in recession or even the whole country is in a pandemic with far-reaching consequences for public life. The topics in the press and also the discussions in the closer environment reflect a much narrower worldview than what one has developed abroad. People may appear self-centred or narrow-minded and seem to be unaware of how well they are doing compared to other countries.

2. Alienation from family and friends

The family and old friends usually welcome you back warmly and you enjoy this first time of reconnecting very much, because you missed them all so much abroad. For them, time hasn’t stood still either and babies were born, there were weddings, divorces, funerals, new jobs, moves and only those who have maintained contact abroad don’t lose touch. While you are full of enthusiasm and want to tell about all the experiences and important insights from abroad, you might encounter a lack of understanding or disinterest after a short time. Sometimes you’re even labeled as arrogant when you tell others quite naturally about a recent experience (“The other day on the Great Wall of China…”) Those who stayed at home did not follow along with your changes in values and attitudes, and it becomes painfully clear that you have “drifted apart” to a certain extent. Often returnees prefer not to talk about their experiences abroad anymore.

3. Loss of competence

The foreign assignment is often used as an important career step and is planned strategically. Therefore, professional reintegration after re-entry should be planned and supported well ahead, because all too often returnees are confronted with career regressions or little appreciation of their foreign expertise. This can lead to employees quickly seeking the next expat assignment or changing the company. In private life, it can also happen that the hard-won “foreign survival tactics” in the home country now seem obsolete (e.g. fast networking skills, foreign languages, right-hand drive or driving in chaotic traffic, tracking down English-speaking doctors, finding certain recipe ingredients, etc.). In addition, the partners who are travelling with them often had to take a break in their job and are now worried that their skills are outdated. A common challenge for a child is the change of school systems, who now appears incompetent in the new school system and has to prove himself against the prejudices of his classmates and teachers.

Back to square one or a new beginning?

The word returnee actually does not express exactly what it is. It is actually not a return to the old life, because after going through all these experiences and your personal development abroad, this is not possible. You have outgrown your previous life like an old pair of shoes that no longer fits. An important step towards re-integration and real “arriving” is the processing of the experiences and the emotions that go along with them. Returning home is just as much a transitional process as moving and settling in abroad – a process involving farewells, joy of reunion, grief, confusion and reorientation. This transition process challenges us to reflect and deal with ourselves and offers enormous potential for personal growth. This also includes dealing with your emotions – especially with contradictory and very unpleasant emotions. Emotions need to be felt, because if you ignore them, they will come back through the back door until they have your full attention. It takes time and courage. Corona has provoked an extraordinarily traumatic return for many expats. More than ever, awareness, patience and a large portion of loving self-compassion are needed.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again. – Azar Nafasi

You will be rewarded with inner clarity and inner peace, which clear the way for your new integrated self, living a joyful life with fresh courage and a clear vision for the future. As a coach, I accompany returnees on this path, because it is much harder to walk it alone. I consider networking with like-minded people equally important and decided to create a group coaching program for returnees called “Arriving” together with my colleague Christina Kapaun. You can find all information about “Arriving” here and check out the dates when the next group starts. In my upcoming articles you will find “My top tips for a smooth landing” and some insights into my own re-entry experiences. Stay tuned!

Silke from Germany shares with us how her husband’s sudden death abruptly ended her expat life in Mexico and what helped her and her four daughters overcome this tragedy.

Silke is a very esteemed intercultural trainer colleague of mine to whom I feel a special connection because of various amazing parallels: We both lived as expats in Puebla/Mexico although at different times, we both completed the trainer education at the same institute yet in different years, plus we now live less than 4 km apart. It was only two years ago that we met and we agreed that it’s a small world!

The other day we had a breakfast meeting, and I asked her if she would be willing to tell her story on my blog to encourage others who might be experiencing a difficult time during their expat assignment. She spontaneously said yes!

Dear Silke, describe your experiences as an expat partner and mother. What did expat life mean for you?

My husband and I first went abroad in 1994 and spent five months in Portugal. We deliberately started with a rather short stay, as wanted to see what it feels like to live abroad. At that time we had one child, our three month old daughter. The time in Portugal was so intense and enriching that we both decided to go abroad for a longer period if the opportunity presented itself.

And that was in 2001, when we already had three daughters (6 ½, 5 and 2 years) and were sent to Brazil. Our scraps of Portuguese would come in very handy, we thought. We soon realized that Brazilian Portuguese was very different, but actually easier to learn as far as the pronunciation is concerned. A challenge for me was the organization of daily life around three children with kindergarten and school. In addition to that, two of my daughters went to the International School and not only had to learn Portuguese but also English. It was very exciting to see how quickly they learned new expressions and how they mixed them up in three languages.

After three years, it was time to go back to Germany, but to a different location, namely Hanover. And here, culture shock struck us when faced with the German school/kindergarten bureaucracy. We couldn’t get a kindergarten place and the school wanted the girls to go back a year.

It cost me a lot of nerves to fight everything through and make sure that the girls continue feeling positive about their stay abroad and that they do not have any shortcomings.

In 2010, things got exciting again. Another expat assignment was on the table: Mexico. By now, we were six altogether, the youngest daughter was five, plus two dogs. I definitely wanted to move abroad again, but with two daughters going to high school and one in the middle of puberty – was that really such a good idea? There was a weekend when we all sat together and weighed pros and cons and with only one “dissenting vote” from the adolescent daughter, we decided to accept the offer. Mexico was – for me as a mother – as far as schooling was concerned, extremely challenging, even though this time they could attend a German school. Aditionally, I had two young daughters who wanted to go to parties and move around indpendently. Reconciling this with the Mexican circumstances and my need for safety was not always easy.

As you might notice, I speak a lot from the “first person perspective” when it comes to children.

My husband was so busy with his job that everything related to school, friends, hobbies, language teaching, household, contacts with Germany was completely on my shoulders.

Even when there were serious problems at school, I was always on my own to settle everything.

Your stay abroad came to an abrupt end. How did you experience and overcome this difficult time?

It was during our vacation in Cancún in 2013. My eldest daughter had just graduated four weeks earlier and was getting ready to go to Germany for her voluntary social gap year. One afternoon, my husband complained over a strong headache. He went to bed early, then got up at 10:00 pm and collapsed in the bathroom. At first I thought it was a heart attack, but then I noticed that one side of his mouth had drooped, and I knew it was a stroke.

He was taken to Cancún hospital. I will never forget that night I spent in the waiting room without any information, completely on my own (the children stayed at the hotel). The next day, my husband was responsive. The morning after, his condition worsened and he had emergency surgery. Three days later he passed away at the hospital.

These five days were like a nightmare for me. The children were at the hotel doing some activities, not realizing at all (or not wanting to realize) how bad their father’s condition wa. I drove back and forth between hospital and hotel three times a day. The fact that we were on summer vacation made things even more complicated as I lacked my social network from Puebla. Everyone was on vacation, either in Germany or somewhere in Mexico or the US. One family came over to the Riviera Maya for three days and stayed with my children at the hotel, which was a huge help for me. I called family and friends in Germany, kept them informed about the situation via Facebook. I talked to my husband’s employer in Mexico and we made plans for different scenarios.

When it became clear that my husband would not survive, HR sent down a person to support us. She helped me with the arrangements with the undertaker, checked the death certificate for accuracy, and coordinated everything with the German embassy. I couldn’t have done this with my limited Spanish. Incorrect Mexican documents would have made everything even more complicated.

My husband passed away on Thursday, on Monday we held a Mexican funeral in Puebla, next Thursday we sat on the plane to Germany (with his urn in our hand luggage!), and the following Monday we held another funeral in Germany. I organized all this, without tears, I acted in “emergency mode”, completely disconnected from my emotions.

What was especially important and helpful for your four daughters?

During the uncertain situation in Cancún, I have always been completely open with them, including the youngest (almost 7 years old). I talked to them about the different scenarios and the consequences, and I also let them feel my own perplexity and helplessness. And I told them over and over again that the five of us would get through this together.

And that’s exactly how things turned out.

Three of my daughters are studying at university, the youngest is now in 9th grade and we are very close. We still discuss many things together over a cup of tea, but everyone is very independent and makes their own decisions.

After our return to Germany, I tried to get back to some sort of daily routine as quickly as possible. All girls (except for the eldest) went back to school. They were allowed to miss a day or two, if grief was too much, but that was the exception. A new ritual was the afternoon tea time with our Mexican tea service during which everything was discussed, both practical and emotional matters.

What helped you get through this experience?

I think it was a mixture of pragmatism and mother instinct. The most important thing for me was to make sure the children were ok during the time at the hospital, the funerals and the sudden move. The childern always came first, I put my own needs last. This even went as far as quarelling with my in-laws, because I insisted on having a small funeral in Germany for the sake of the children and this was contrary to their wishes.

Pragmatism helped me in the sense of acknowledging that I could not change what happened and I was required to make the best of the situation, support my children in the best possible way so that they could cope with this loss and have a positive outlook on their future.

The previously described “emergency mode” lasted almost a year. After that, I fell into a hole, despite the fact that I had already passed my exam for the intercultural trainer. I sought professional help with a coach. The coaching was less about grief processing, but more about gaining clarity on where I was going. The image in my head was that I was swimming to stay afloat, I wasn’t drowning. eBut I wanted to know where the land is and in which direction I have to swim. I worked with the coach for almost two years – a very intense experience during which I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person.

What could other expat women learn from you?

What I would like to pass on to all expat women: During this time, when I was on my own with this situation in Cancún, I was grateful for every Spanish lesson that I had taken and glad that I could halfway understand what the nurses said to each other off the official record. All the things I needed to organize would have been impossible without a decent knowledge of the local language and how to say it.

The experience of living abroad was very enriching. Not only have I gained many skills and knowledge regarding languages and culture. I have gained a lot confidence in myself.

I dare to master difficult situations, face the unknown and stay curious about what lies beyond the obvious. I have gained the confidence that I am able to solve any problem. There are usually a variety of paths that lead to a solution and there is no such thing as the one right way.

How did you re-enter professional life after all those years?

 When my husband started working, we moved to Emden and I gave up my job in order to be a stay-at-home mum. We had agreed on this together and there were only few days where I regretted this decision.

After the passing of my husband, I had been out of the job market for 20 years and I realized that my technical education was not up to date anymore.

But I had experienced so much abroad and had many intercultural experiences so I had the idea to become an “intercultural trainer”. First, I took a two-day trial  “Train-the-Trainer” workshop, because I didn’t know if I could stand in front of participants and talk and have fun at the same time.

As this experiment turned out very positive, I signed up for the intercultural trainer course, and dove into this new topic with a lot of enthusiasm and thirst for knowledge. A year later, I signed up for a 9-month business trainer course and since then, I have continuously invested in my professional development.

Currently I am self-employed, I work for administrative departments, the German Skilled Craft Organisation (“Handwerkskammer”), public institutions and hospitals on the topic intercultural competence. Another area I provide trainings for is time and self-management, predomintantly in a corporate context.

Dear Silke, Thank you very much for your confidence and your courage to share your story with us. She will certainly move many hearts.

 If you would like to contact Silke, you can do so via the comments or directly by e-mail to info@von-hoffmann.de. Learn more about her work here: www.von-hoffmann.de.

Ein Dilemma auf mehreren Ebenen

Es herrscht in der Tat eine große Diskrepanz zwischen dem hohen Grad der Qualifikation und der Alltagsrealität einer mitausreisenden Partnerin. Es ist ein Dilemma auf mehreren Ebenen, für das es jedoch kreative und zeitgemäße Lösungen gibt.

Frauen, die mitten im Leben stehen, bestens ausgebildet sind und oft schon beachtliche Karrieren aufgebaut haben, lassen all das zurück und begleiten ihren Partner voller Enthusiasmus in Ausland, um dann festzustellen, dass die Realität auf dem lokalen Arbeitsmarkt ernüchternd ist. Ein Umzug mit Kindern ist weitaus komplexer, als es viele einschätzen und verlangt von den Eltern eine starke und umfangreiche Begleitung ihrer Kinder, sowohl im praktischen Sinne als auch emotional. Wenn beide Partner sofort in zwei Vollzeitjobs durchstarten, ist dies kaum zu leisten.

Was leisten die Unternehmen?

Immer wieder höre ich von Expat-Frauen, dass es seitens der Unternehmen nur wenig Verständnis und Unterstützung für sie gib. Man erhält ggf. ein Fortbildungsbudget, eine Teilnahme an einer interkulturellen Entsendungsvorbereitung und mit viel Glück gibt es Hilfe bei der Jobsuche. Sobald das Paar im Ausland angekommen ist, ist es jedoch meist auf sich gestellt. Es erweckt den Eindruck, als würden Unternehmen die Belange der Partner als “Privatsache“ abtun. In den Personalabteilungen der Firmenzentralen kennt man sich nicht mit den Gegebenheiten vor Ort aus und kann hier weder die Lage einschätzen noch unterstützen. Eine Relocation-Agentur vor Ort kann praktische Tipps für Wohnungs-, Schul- und Arztsuche geben. Aber die Fragen rund um die Eingewöhnung, anfängliche Isolation, Kulturschock, eingeschränkte Autonomie und eben auch Karrieremöglichkeiten, kommen erst einige Zeit später. Hier wäre ein Expat-Coaching vonnöten, welches jedoch meist nicht vorgesehen ist.

Blickt man auf die vorangegangenen Generationen von Expat-Frauen zurück, so waren all diese Partner Support Maßnahmen noch völlig undenkbar und hat viele Frauen in die Resignation geführt. Immerhin erkennen immer mehr Unternehmen, dass ein direkter Zusammenhang zwischen der Zufriedenheit des mitausreisenden Partners und dem Gelingen eines Auslandseinsatzes besteht.

Wie lösen wir das Dilemma?

Die neuen Generationen von Expats sind mit einem selbstbewussten Frauenbild aufgewachsen und gehen mit anderen Erwartungen in eine Entsendung als früher. Damit diese Erwartungen der Realität standhalten, ist es wichtig, sich vorher gründlich über das Zielland und die Lebensumstände zu informieren, um dann eine bewusste Entscheidung zu treffen und die Verantwortung dafür zu übernehmen. Je bewusster die Entscheidung, desto weniger tauchen später Gefühle von Machtlosigkeit und Enttäuschung auf. Hierzu gehört auch der Mut, Nein zu sagen, wenn es nicht passt. Auf Hilfe seitens der Unternehmen sollte man nicht warten, sondern es selbst in die Hand nehmen und ggf. einen Expat-Coach zurate ziehen, der sich im Zielland auskennt.

Hilfreiche Tipps und ein Gefühl für die Expat-Welt findet man auch in Facebook-Gruppen wie den „Weltfrauen“ mit über 6000 Mitgliedern oder bei den Expatmamas unter www.expatmamas.de. Es fasziniert mich immer wieder zu lesen, dass es in jedem Winkel dieser Welt deutsche Frauen gibt und jede hat eine ganz individuelle, spannende Geschichte zu erzählen. Online Netzwerken ist heutzutage easy und die beste Möglichkeit, um am Anfang nicht alleine dazustehen. Für die rein berufliche Orientierung gibt es ebenfalls empfehlenswerte Expat-Coaches wie www.sharethelove.blog oder www.tandemnomads.com, die dabei helfen, ein „portable career“ – eine mobile Karriere – aufzubauen.

Manche Berufe wie z.B. Fotograf, Journalist, Lehrer oder Musiker lassen sich meist problemlos ins neue Land mitnehmen. Wer keine Arbeitsgenehmigung bekommt, kann ehrenamtlich arbeiten und wertvolle Praxis-Erfahrungen sammeln. Dank moderner Medien haben sich die Möglichkeiten der beruflichen Weiterentwicklung für Expat-Frauen erheblich verbessert. Fernstudium und Online-Kurse sind sehr beliebt, um die eigene Qualifikation zu erweitern. Wer kreativ ist und gerne „outside the box“ denkt, erfindet sich neu und wird zum Entrepreneur (z.B. Eröffnung einer deutschen Bäckerei, Wurstimporteur, Fremdenführer, Profi-Blogger oder Schmuckdesigner).

Wer sich bewusst dafür entscheidet, während der Auslandsentsendung des Partners nicht zu arbeiten, steht nicht allein da. Auch hier hilft es, ein Netzwerk mit Gleichgesinnten aufzubauen, um sich gegen Identitätskrisen und Unverständnis aus der Heimat zu wappnen.

Ich fasse zusammen:

1. Realitätscheck
2. Eigeninitiative
3. Bewusste Entscheidung treffen und Verantwortung übernehmen
4. Netzwerken
5. Kreativ und mutig eigene berufliche Wege gehen

Der SPIEGEL-Artikel hat viele der o.g. Aspekte nicht erörtert und meines Erachtens versäumt, die kraftvolle Dynamik und die zahlreichen Möglichkeiten der neuen Expat-Generation abzubilden. Ich hoffe, es ist mir gelungen, meinen Lesern eine breitere Perspektive über die beruflichen Aussichten einer Expat-Partnerin zu vermitteln.