Rebecca Lüppen is the founder of SheExpat (www.sheexpat.com) and provides expat career and life coaching for female professionals and executives. She helps female expats actively manage the changes that a mobile life brings, balance work and personal life and interact confidently and successfully within different cultures.

Rebecca and I have known each other for a little over a year. We both live in Hannover/Germany and are co-founders of the “Institut für Mobilen Lebensstil”, where we teamed up with three other colleagues and specialize in empowering German-speaking families abroad. You can find us at www.mobile-familien.de.

I wanted to hear first-hand from Rebecca what it was like for her to return from abroad with her husband and four daughters just two weeks before the first lockdown. She talks about the particular challenges they faced, as well as the resources that have most helped her and her family overcome those challenges. You can watch the 30-minute Zoom interview on YouTube. The original interview is in German, therefore we’ve summarized all the key points in English for you here:

What were your biggest challenges when you returned from abroad right before the first Corona Lockdown?

• Repatriating at a time when everyone has to limit their contacts to their nuclear families and closest friends.

The feeling of finally being close to the family and yet not being able to visit them.

• Moving from a furnished apartment to an unfurnished house with four children, the youngest 6 months old. I only knew the house from the internet.
• After two weeks of school, my kids went into homeschooling.
• We were lucky, we scurried in just before lockdown or the move would not have gone so smoothly.
• Relative isolation of all family members.
• Organizational challenges I didn’t expect: applying for German birth certificates, German child benefits, etc. Everything was quite complicated because my former home municipality unfortunately hadn’t registered the children in the birth register (bureaucratic pitfalls…), health insurance…. somehow we were a special case everywhere. At the same time I was setting up my business, which is also a challenge but a very positive one.
• I definitely underestimated the “Fernweh” (opposite of homesickness) and still suffer from it a bit, especially since traveling is not possible. We wanted to show our kids more of Europe… that will all have to wait for now.
• And then there is the “Reverse Culture Shock”. As an intercultural trainer, I somehow thought I knew all about it and would be alright … well, what can I say … it caught me completely by surprise! I have problems with the mentality of my neighbors (friendly, but clear distance). Here in Germany, I miss a bit of the lightness in everything – of course, this can also be related to Corona. And I miss the “glamour” of expat life – the Ayi, a full-time housekeeper, great vacations, meals at five-star hotels several times a month and also the great house the company rented for us.

What helped you overcome these challenges?

• Optimism: I knew that we would manage well together as a family, because we have always managed everywhere.
• We have a positive attitude towards change.

External uncertainty no longer unsettles me internally, which of course helps. When you have started over in a new place so often, you just know that things will work out.

• I also knew that all the wonderful resources my Third Culture Kids have acquired would allow us them to settle in well. They are all open-minded beings who connect quickly, so I knew they would make friends again, too.
• I was determined to be very active in supporting the kids in find their new peer groups. So we planned a Welcome in Hannover party, because the children had already made their first contacts during a trial week at school and kindergarten, and I wanted to build on that – but the lockdown beat us to it. As soon as it was allowed again, however, we went for an outdoor climbing activity combined with a picnic, and were able to get in touch with some families that way.
• Of course, I’m also lucky that I moved near my former employer, so we were able to revive some “old” contacts from our expat days. This has particularly helped my big girl to meet up again with a friend from her communion group in Changchun. I also arranged to meet other expat women for a virtual coffee, some with a private focus, but also I actively reached out to those who also work as coaches for expats or intercultural trainers, and that’s how we eventually met.

In my opinion, the only way is to actively approach the environment. No one was waiting for us here, so you have to take action yourself.

What kind of support would you have wished for or did you make use of?

• For me personally, it was certainly good that I was still in my own coaching training, because there you explore yourself a lot. What I also experience again and again is that it helps parents tremendously to deal with what mobile life does to their children.
• And then, of course, I heard about your and Christina’s Arriving Program and was immediately totally excited. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to attend due to my schedule, but I you’ve told me about the topics that are discussed in the program. I think it’s something that can really help you in a very concrete way to realize certain things (what is a re-entry shock, what kind of attitude do Third Culture kids have towards the culture of origin they didn’t know, that wanderlust is a very common phenomenon, etc.). And then the opportunity to share it all in a group with other returnees who are in the exact same stage, that’s actually priceless.

Rebecca’s descriptions provide very good insight into the challenges of reentry and adjustment during Corona. We were also able to learn from her valuable personal tips for overcoming these hurdles. Thank you so much, Rebecca!

If you have also just returned home from abroad, you might find our Arriving Group Coaching Program for Repatriates helpful. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun we are committed to accompanying participants in their very individual arrival process. We combine well-founded background knowledge with proven strategies for a soft landing and offer the opportunity to exchange ideas with each other in a safe and benevolent setting.

The next starting dates as well as further information about “Arriving” can be found on this website. Furthermore, I offer individual coaching as well as preparatory reentry workshops. I would be happy to advise you in a free discovery call, which format is the most suitable for you. Please contact me by mail or choose an appointment via the calendar function.

You can find another blog article about reentry during Corona here. Have you also returned from abroad in the midst of the pandemic? I’m looking forward to your experiences in the comments!

The Corona pandemic has turned all our lives upside down and confronted us with unexpected challenges. It also hit many expats hard in 2020/21. It affects those who had just started their adventure abroad and are struggling to familiarize themselves with the new environment. It also affects those who have already been abroad for a longer period of time, but who now have to cope with a severely restricted daily routine and are plagued by homesickness because they cannot go on home leave or receive any visitors. Those who are just now returning from abroad are also facing quite a struggle. Because even if it seems like the easiest option at first glance, returnees have to overcome very special hurdles when they arrive home.

Reentry is a transition process

The process of arrival and adjustment that returning from abroad entails (quite independently of Covid) is underestimated by many. While the physical move has long been accomplished, our souls need more time.

We must take a rest from time to time and allow our souls to catch up with us.

And precisely because we have the expectation that everything will be much easier when we go home, feelings of shame, guilt and self-doubt add to the initial disorientation.

I should be adjusting faster, don’t make such a fuss. I should be happier, I wanted it that way. Why did I put my family through all this? Was it worth it?

No real goodbye

Now, if we add the Corona pandemic on top of that, it’s twice as hard as it would be under normal conditions. Healthy farewells require celebrating them consciously, cherishing the friends and places we learned to love abroad. If this is limited due to Covid measures, it becomes more difficult to process the time abroad in a healthy way.

Unexpected and early reentry

For some expats, reentry came suddenly and at short notice, sometimes ordered by the company. There were great concerns for an increased risk of contagion and travel bans. For them, there was very little time to organize the move and virtually no chance to say good-bye as planned.

What makes it so hard is the experienced loss of control and the feeling of being on the run from a lethal threat.

Upon arrival in their home country, repats face a period of quarantine paired with living in temporary housing, making it nearly impossible to settle in and establish a new home. Sudden evacuations also repeatedly affect expatriates in politically unstable countries and can leave deep, traumatic traces that should be psychologically attended to.

Family Separation

As I write this, it seems surreal, but it has happened this way to numerous expats in my network. In the beginning, this whole pandemic was thought to be over in a matter of weeks, a few months at most. This led to some expats deciding to continue their work on site while sending their families on extended home leave. Or there were other constellations that resulted in family separation, the wellbeing of the children being the primary focus. No one could have guessed how long the pandemic would keep everyone grounded and that they would have to lead a long-term long-distance relationship while living out of a suitcase. Lost in limbo.

Those affected had to cope with great hardship.

Also taking pets back home was often only possible under difficult conditions. Due to limited flight options, it was a whole new adventure to transport pets. I’ve heard stories about a dog that could only get a flight months later and a cat that travelled for days via mind-boggling detours through Tokyo and Moscow.

Arriving with obstacles

An important part of arriving and resettling in the home country for all family members are social contacts. And these are so very limited during Corona that you must be grateful if you get a chance to see at least the closest family members. Many other contacts simply cannot yet be reestablished in the way you had anticipated. When you return to a completely new region of your home country, you start from scratch again.

It’s a life between worlds, without being able to find closure for the old and fully engage with the new.

Parents are worried about their children, settling in at the new daycare center or school is constantly interrupted, and carefree play with other children is still not possible. Teenagers have a particularly hard time connecting virtually with their peers and establishing their circle of friends. For the expat partner, the return to work or the search for a new job is difficult, because the job market remained in a state of shock for a long time. Daycare is not always available.

In an interview, I asked my colleague Rebecca Lüppen about what it was like for her to return from abroad with her family of six just two weeks before the first lockdown. You can find our 30-minute Zoom interview on YouTube YouTube and a summary of the most important key messages in my next blog article

What helps?

It is essential to acknowledge that returning home in times of a pandemic represents a major multifaceted psychological challenge. Those who can fall back on strong inner resources will be able to manage better. However, these resources are put to a hard and especially long test as the pandemic painfully drags out the arrival process. Self-care is essential! Saying goodbye always involves grief. It’s important to allow yourself the necessary time to process and recharge.

No one needs to do this alone.

Partners, family, friends, employers – everyone can support, and you should demand it. However, if everyone’s batteries are running low, there is the option of seeking professional help. There is counseling available over Corona hotlines, but they may not be specifically familiar about the challenges of reentry. Qualified therapeutic support for children, adolescents and adults should not be skimped on. Feel free to contact me for recommendations from my network.

Exchanging experiences with other returnees who are going through something very similar is gold.

It allows you to find empathic listeners and the possibility to talk the burden off your chest. You will no longer feel like you’re the only one affected. One difficulty I see though is when people permanently pull each other down and persist in lamenting.

For those who want to proactively do something for their well-being, I strongly recommend reentry coaching. I offer this as individual coaching or as group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun, we have developed a three-month online group coaching for repats, in which participants can exchange ideas in a safe environment and are professionally accompanied by us in their arrival process. The topics and all further information about our “Arriving” program can be found here.

The experience with our participants has shown that the group coaching has triggered a powerful dynamic in them to work on their personal development. Despite the pandemic, they were able to make great progress and arrive more and more at home and within themselves.

Emotional Rollercoaster

In the 1960s, Gullahorn & Gullahorn’s empirical research established what many repatriates intuitively felt: Repatriates from a stay abroad suffer similar stress symptoms during the readjustment to their home country as they did when adapting to the host country at the beginning of their foreign assignment. As a result, they developed the W-curve of acculturation, which I have already illustrated in my blog article “Why we experience Culture Shock”. 

Such a curve cannot, of course, accurately reflect the experience of each individual, but it does illustrate that the expatriation cycle includes reentry and that there are typical ups and downs. The highs are called Honeymoon stage, the lows Culture Shock and Reverse Culture Shock. In between there are the stages of Recovery and Adaptation which may fluctuate. Basically, I find it reassuring to know that after every low, things will get better again. In this article I would like to explore the different stages of reentry.

The 4 Stages

The better prepared you are for your return, the milder your reverse culture shock will be and the sooner you can adjust. Let us therefore take a closer look at the 4 Stages of Reentry described by Craig Storti in his book “The Art of Coming Home” and let me add some of my own examples and experiences.

Stage 1: Leave-Taking & Departure – Good planning or abrupt ending?

The inner farewell begins months before the actual departure. Thoughts wander more and more often into the future: What will we do professionally? Where will we live? What school will the children go to? You write endless to-do lists for organizing everything from farewell parties to what to pack when, bureaucracy, etc.

At the same time, you unconsciously distance yourself a little, looking at your host country in a more critical way (“I’m certainly not going to miss the smog!”) and maybe even spending less time with your friends. This is an act of self-protection, so that the farewell doesn’t hurt as much. This stage is therefore characterized by a great ambiguity – rather typical for any major transition in life.

In 2020, many repatriates will have missed out on this stage due to the consequences of the Covid-19 pandemic, which will further complicate the process of coping with the return. If, for example, it was not possible to say goodbye to dear friends and places that have grown to your heart, if reentry is accompanied by a longer period of family separation, or if the children have not seen their classmates again before leaving the country, then this is a traumatic experience that should not be underestimated. It is advisable to seek support and give oneself time to process what happened in a healthy way.

Stage 2: The Honeymoon – Wearing Pink Glasses on Cloud 9

This stage actually feels much like a honeymoon or a home leave. You are full of joy to see family and good old friends again. You eat and do everything that you missed abroad. Everyone gives you a grace period and helps you settle in, not burdening you with any problems so far.

The Honeymoon stage, in which you see everything through pink glasses, lasts for about two to four weeks. Again, it is not the same process and intensity for everyone. Even within a family there can be big differences. It’s important to give everyone their space and be especially understanding. It is also important to keep in mind that in some cases not all family members return home (e.g. bi-cultural couples or children who were very young when they left the country).

Stage 3: Reverse Culture Shock – Subconscious Turmoil

The reverse culture shock is not a single moment or a sudden breakdown, but rather a complex, largely unconscious emotional state that can last for weeks or months. The transitions from and to the other stages are gradual. It is important to understand that reentry is a big change and takes time. Time to process everything. Space for the mourning over leaving a country, loved ones and a very special phase of life, in which you have grown a lot.

I have summarized the different causes for reverse culture shock in the following diagram based on what I found in literature, field reports, articles, and my own experiences. The areas affected by reverse culture shock are complex and often beyond our awareness. We often lack the vocabulary to describe the emotional chaos and name the pain points. This overview should serve as a basis for reflection.

Typical for this stage is the glorification of the time abroad. With a transfigured gaze, you rave about all the beautiful experiences and ignore the negative ones. Disillusionment sets in and now it’s the unpleasant aspects of home that stand out. Instead of wearing pink glasses, you now look through your “abroad glasses”, harshly judging the ones around you and criticizing everything.

Ironically, your environment expects that you have settled in and are doing well by now. On the inside, however, you suffer more than ever. You may not have a supportive friend by your side or even be ashamed that you aren’t happy. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with yourself, because little by little you realize the extent of your own transformation. You have changed and so have the others.

In addition, being a “cultural hybrid” comes with insecurities and emotional chaos. You start questioning if the assignment was worth it after all. A queasy feeling sets in as you fear you have to start all over again. In their jobs, repatriates often struggle with loss of status and autonomy. Everyday routines still have to be established, which costs a lot of energy. The transformation process is exhausting, and you have a tendency to be irritable, unfocused, unenjoyable, withdrawing and taking refuge in social media.

For children, the process can be just as complex and lengthy as for adults, even if they don’t show it so clearly. Here, parents should observe whether behavioral problems or longer depressive phases occur and seek professional guidance (see my consulting services and the reference to my network of experts). The responsibility for the children’s well-being often places an additional burden on the parents during this time. All family members need extra attention and loving understanding for each other.

Stage 4: Readjustment – Can we have it all?

And now finally the good news: It will pass! Sooner or later you will settle in and fully arrive. Now home feels familiar again, you meet friends at the supermarket, you are fully integrated in your job again, the children have settled in at school, the social network is in place. Routines and everyday life provide security, you regain control, develop more self-confidence and a vision for the future.

In this stage, both your countries can be viewed and reflected from a more balanced perspective. It becomes clear that you can combine the best of both worlds. It doesn’t have to be an “either-or” – you can create your own “as well as”!

Work with me

As a trainer and coach, I accompany repatriates through all stages, from assignment preparation and culture shock to reentry. I offer workshops as well as individual and group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun I have developed a group coaching program for repatriates called “Arriving”. Here you can find all the details about “Arriving” and the next starting dates.

Silke from Germany shares with us how her husband’s sudden death abruptly ended her expat life in Mexico and what helped her and her four daughters overcome this tragedy.

Silke is a very esteemed intercultural trainer colleague of mine to whom I feel a special connection because of various amazing parallels: We both lived as expats in Puebla/Mexico although at different times, we both completed the trainer education at the same institute yet in different years, plus we now live less than 4 km apart. It was only two years ago that we met and we agreed that it’s a small world!

The other day we had a breakfast meeting, and I asked her if she would be willing to tell her story on my blog to encourage others who might be experiencing a difficult time during their expat assignment. She spontaneously said yes!

Dear Silke, describe your experiences as an expat partner and mother. What did expat life mean for you?

My husband and I first went abroad in 1994 and spent five months in Portugal. We deliberately started with a rather short stay, as wanted to see what it feels like to live abroad. At that time we had one child, our three month old daughter. The time in Portugal was so intense and enriching that we both decided to go abroad for a longer period if the opportunity presented itself.

And that was in 2001, when we already had three daughters (6 ½, 5 and 2 years) and were sent to Brazil. Our scraps of Portuguese would come in very handy, we thought. We soon realized that Brazilian Portuguese was very different, but actually easier to learn as far as the pronunciation is concerned. A challenge for me was the organization of daily life around three children with kindergarten and school. In addition to that, two of my daughters went to the International School and not only had to learn Portuguese but also English. It was very exciting to see how quickly they learned new expressions and how they mixed them up in three languages.

After three years, it was time to go back to Germany, but to a different location, namely Hanover. And here, culture shock struck us when faced with the German school/kindergarten bureaucracy. We couldn’t get a kindergarten place and the school wanted the girls to go back a year.

It cost me a lot of nerves to fight everything through and make sure that the girls continue feeling positive about their stay abroad and that they do not have any shortcomings.

In 2010, things got exciting again. Another expat assignment was on the table: Mexico. By now, we were six altogether, the youngest daughter was five, plus two dogs. I definitely wanted to move abroad again, but with two daughters going to high school and one in the middle of puberty – was that really such a good idea? There was a weekend when we all sat together and weighed pros and cons and with only one “dissenting vote” from the adolescent daughter, we decided to accept the offer. Mexico was – for me as a mother – as far as schooling was concerned, extremely challenging, even though this time they could attend a German school. Aditionally, I had two young daughters who wanted to go to parties and move around indpendently. Reconciling this with the Mexican circumstances and my need for safety was not always easy.

As you might notice, I speak a lot from the “first person perspective” when it comes to children.

My husband was so busy with his job that everything related to school, friends, hobbies, language teaching, household, contacts with Germany was completely on my shoulders.

Even when there were serious problems at school, I was always on my own to settle everything.

Your stay abroad came to an abrupt end. How did you experience and overcome this difficult time?

It was during our vacation in Cancún in 2013. My eldest daughter had just graduated four weeks earlier and was getting ready to go to Germany for her voluntary social gap year. One afternoon, my husband complained over a strong headache. He went to bed early, then got up at 10:00 pm and collapsed in the bathroom. At first I thought it was a heart attack, but then I noticed that one side of his mouth had drooped, and I knew it was a stroke.

He was taken to Cancún hospital. I will never forget that night I spent in the waiting room without any information, completely on my own (the children stayed at the hotel). The next day, my husband was responsive. The morning after, his condition worsened and he had emergency surgery. Three days later he passed away at the hospital.

These five days were like a nightmare for me. The children were at the hotel doing some activities, not realizing at all (or not wanting to realize) how bad their father’s condition wa. I drove back and forth between hospital and hotel three times a day. The fact that we were on summer vacation made things even more complicated as I lacked my social network from Puebla. Everyone was on vacation, either in Germany or somewhere in Mexico or the US. One family came over to the Riviera Maya for three days and stayed with my children at the hotel, which was a huge help for me. I called family and friends in Germany, kept them informed about the situation via Facebook. I talked to my husband’s employer in Mexico and we made plans for different scenarios.

When it became clear that my husband would not survive, HR sent down a person to support us. She helped me with the arrangements with the undertaker, checked the death certificate for accuracy, and coordinated everything with the German embassy. I couldn’t have done this with my limited Spanish. Incorrect Mexican documents would have made everything even more complicated.

My husband passed away on Thursday, on Monday we held a Mexican funeral in Puebla, next Thursday we sat on the plane to Germany (with his urn in our hand luggage!), and the following Monday we held another funeral in Germany. I organized all this, without tears, I acted in “emergency mode”, completely disconnected from my emotions.

What was especially important and helpful for your four daughters?

During the uncertain situation in Cancún, I have always been completely open with them, including the youngest (almost 7 years old). I talked to them about the different scenarios and the consequences, and I also let them feel my own perplexity and helplessness. And I told them over and over again that the five of us would get through this together.

And that’s exactly how things turned out.

Three of my daughters are studying at university, the youngest is now in 9th grade and we are very close. We still discuss many things together over a cup of tea, but everyone is very independent and makes their own decisions.

After our return to Germany, I tried to get back to some sort of daily routine as quickly as possible. All girls (except for the eldest) went back to school. They were allowed to miss a day or two, if grief was too much, but that was the exception. A new ritual was the afternoon tea time with our Mexican tea service during which everything was discussed, both practical and emotional matters.

What helped you get through this experience?

I think it was a mixture of pragmatism and mother instinct. The most important thing for me was to make sure the children were ok during the time at the hospital, the funerals and the sudden move. The childern always came first, I put my own needs last. This even went as far as quarelling with my in-laws, because I insisted on having a small funeral in Germany for the sake of the children and this was contrary to their wishes.

Pragmatism helped me in the sense of acknowledging that I could not change what happened and I was required to make the best of the situation, support my children in the best possible way so that they could cope with this loss and have a positive outlook on their future.

The previously described “emergency mode” lasted almost a year. After that, I fell into a hole, despite the fact that I had already passed my exam for the intercultural trainer. I sought professional help with a coach. The coaching was less about grief processing, but more about gaining clarity on where I was going. The image in my head was that I was swimming to stay afloat, I wasn’t drowning. eBut I wanted to know where the land is and in which direction I have to swim. I worked with the coach for almost two years – a very intense experience during which I learned a lot about myself and grew as a person.

What could other expat women learn from you?

What I would like to pass on to all expat women: During this time, when I was on my own with this situation in Cancún, I was grateful for every Spanish lesson that I had taken and glad that I could halfway understand what the nurses said to each other off the official record. All the things I needed to organize would have been impossible without a decent knowledge of the local language and how to say it.

The experience of living abroad was very enriching. Not only have I gained many skills and knowledge regarding languages and culture. I have gained a lot confidence in myself.

I dare to master difficult situations, face the unknown and stay curious about what lies beyond the obvious. I have gained the confidence that I am able to solve any problem. There are usually a variety of paths that lead to a solution and there is no such thing as the one right way.

How did you re-enter professional life after all those years?

 When my husband started working, we moved to Emden and I gave up my job in order to be a stay-at-home mum. We had agreed on this together and there were only few days where I regretted this decision.

After the passing of my husband, I had been out of the job market for 20 years and I realized that my technical education was not up to date anymore.

But I had experienced so much abroad and had many intercultural experiences so I had the idea to become an “intercultural trainer”. First, I took a two-day trial  “Train-the-Trainer” workshop, because I didn’t know if I could stand in front of participants and talk and have fun at the same time.

As this experiment turned out very positive, I signed up for the intercultural trainer course, and dove into this new topic with a lot of enthusiasm and thirst for knowledge. A year later, I signed up for a 9-month business trainer course and since then, I have continuously invested in my professional development.

Currently I am self-employed, I work for administrative departments, the German Skilled Craft Organisation (“Handwerkskammer”), public institutions and hospitals on the topic intercultural competence. Another area I provide trainings for is time and self-management, predomintantly in a corporate context.

Dear Silke, Thank you very much for your confidence and your courage to share your story with us. She will certainly move many hearts.

 If you would like to contact Silke, you can do so via the comments or directly by e-mail to info@von-hoffmann.de. Learn more about her work here: www.von-hoffmann.de.

Sharing our personal stories and learning from each other is the most powerful way to find inspiration, community and growth. Gain a fresh perspective and expand your horizon!

(versión original en español más abajo)

Nancy, tell us where you are from and what motivated you to emigrate to Germany.

I am Mexican, born in Mexico City. Although my husband is German, I must confess that emigrating to Germany was not in my plans at first. My husband worked in Mexico for three years, three wonderful years we spent together in Mexico. He loved the country, he adapted very much to the Mexican culture, he speaks Spanish fluently, he loved the weather, the food and, for those and other reasons, I thought that the possibility of staying forever in Mexico was quite large. But at the time when my husband wanted to grow professionally, he did not find opportunities in my country and that was when the idea of ​​trying our luck in Germany began to take shape.

So I can say that there are two things that motivated me to emigrate to Germany: the first is love, and the other is what normally motivates me in all the decisions that are important in my life:

The fear of “what if”. I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

I don’t like the idea of ​​asking myself one day what would have happened if I had done this or that.

In addition to that, I thought it was important and above all fair, to get to know what life is like in my partner’s country, to give his culture a chance, to understand it and to learn from it as he did with mine. After all, he had also left everything and everyone behind to be with me. And I believe that sharing that experience – with everything that is enjoyed and suffered – has brought us together more, has made us understand each other better.

What do you value most about your bicultural marriage?

Respect.

I greatly appreciate the way in which we have been able to maintain respect for our cultures and reach agreements without making the other renounce their beliefs and customs.

What were the biggest challenges?

I think we have had two major challenges.

People who leave their country of origin – for whatever reason – go through migratory grief and that is very difficult to understand if you have not lived it. That was one of the biggest challenges.

Nostalgia appears, the feeling of loneliness and an exaggerated idealization of our country of origin.

I remember that at first it seemed to me that everything, absolutely everything, was better in my country, comparisons were the order of the day and that, for our partner, can be something very difficult to understand and can even become very exhausting . The person who did not leave his country can start taking everything personally, ends up isolating himself and the first big problems appear.

Also, a lack of identity appears in the migrant. In time I realized that not only did I miss my country and everything I knew, I also missed myself, the one I was. I was again like a little girl who needed to be taught from the language, how to move around the city, to translate the labels of the products in the super market, a girl who depended on others, and especially her partner, to do many things. Let’s not even begin talking about undergoing the paperwork and revalidation of studies or career. Suddenly I was not the same, suddenly I was nothing. This is somewhat heavy. That’s why I say that I believe that the fact that we both went through the same experience made us understand each other much better, we were more patient and knew that it is a process.

The second big challenge came when we became parents. The arrival of our daughters was another shake. There is an unconscious (and sometimes conscious) tendency to impose one’s own point of view, customs and beliefs when it comes to the education of children.

A bicultural couple needs to agree on the beliefs and way of life that they want to convey to their children and for this it is necessary to have a broad, respectful and sincere communication channel.

And it is not simple. And if we start to think that ours (Mexican woman and German man living in Germany) is one of many constellations that exist, we don’t finish. We can also have a French woman with a Spanish man living in England, or a Mexican woman with a Greek man living in Greece etc., and when there are children involved, the matter gets even more interesting.

How did you overcome them?

The first challenge, the one of the migratory grief, was with time and with support, understanding and empathy of my husband. It was a very long process. Another thing that really helped me to “get there”, to really feel that I was already where I had to be, was the arrival of my first daughter. When this whole matter stopped being about me, my nostalgia, my identity, my grief, when there was now a daughter involved, I could see that not everything was as I thought. Not everything was better in Mexico, especially in the aspect of motherhood and social security, unfortunately, which makes me very sad.

But I could see things differently and by changing my perspective, it changed my life.

The second challenge, the education of our daughters, I consider as overcome and here are three aspects that have contributed to this:

1. The principles and values ​​of my husband and mine are the same, and I believe that when that is the case, you are already on the other side. The other “details”, we have arranged with a lot of communication and openness. My husband has always been very respectful of my beliefs, of the Mexican culture, I respect and admire the German culture too and that helps a lot to reach agreements.
2. My husband and I speak the same language, that is, I speak German and he speaks Spanish and, amazingly enough, this is something that can make a big difference when it comes to reaching agreements, expressing and understanding feelings, ideas, wishes and also when it comes to educating children. I have heard cases of people who feel isolated from the education of their children when the spouse speaks to the children in a language he or she does not understand.
3. The support of our families. We have the great fortune of having families that respect our decisions regarding the bicultural education of our daughters, and not only respect them, but also admire the other culture. I am lucky to have in-laws and other family members that are proud to have granddaughters, nieces, great-grandchildren whith a different cultural education, who are growing up with two languages, who live within two worlds. My in-laws and my sister-in-law say that it is the greatest treasure I can pass on to them. And my family completely agrees. When the two families get together, there is a very nice atmosphere of affection, openness, respect and interest in each other, of ways of thinking, of living, and this facilitates and enriches my daughters’ bicultural education. Now they even translate the conversations between the Mexican and German families!

What advice would you give to a compatriot (or “your younger self”?) who just arrived in Germany?

I would tell them that what they are living is a process, that they should allow their feelings to flow, that the do not fight against it, that they should not be reluctant, that they should not pay attention to what people will say, that they listen to their heart, that they get informed, and above all, that it is ok to ask for help, also professional help.

Something I would have liked at that time was to be able to find a psychologist or therapist who spoke Spanish. When I arrived in Germany, I did not speak German well so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to encourage myself to go to therapy in a language I did not master. Now there are more resources, for example, there are even therapists in Mexico giving remote consultation via Skype. I feel that now there is much more information and the work that you carry out with Chameleon, Wiebke, is a great help for expat in their adaptation process and for their emotional health.

Thank you so much, Nancy, for sharing your valuable experience with us.

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Nancy comparte 3 secretos del matrimonio bicultural y una gran historia de amor

Compartir nuestras historias personales y aprender unos de otros es la forma más poderosa de encontrar inspiración, comunidad y crecimiento. ¡Adquiere una nueva perspectiva y expande tu horizonte!

Nancy, cuéntanos de dónde eres y qué te motivó a emigrar a Alemania.

Soy Mexicana, nacida en la Ciudad de México. Aunque mi esposo es Alemán, debo confesar que el emigrar a Alemania no estaba en mis planes en un principio. Mi esposo trabajó en México durante tres años, tres maravillosos años que pasamos juntos en México. A él le encantaba el país, se adaptó mucho a la cultura Mexicana, habla fluidamente el Español, le encantaba el clima, la comida y, por ésas y otras razones, yo pensaba que la posibilidad de quedarnos para siempre en México era bastante grande. Pero en el momento en que mi esposo quiso crecer profesionalmente, no encontró las oportunidades en mi país y fue entonces cuando la idea de probar suerte en Alemania comenzó a tomar forma. Así que puedo decir que son dos cosas las que me motivaron a emigrar a Alemania: la primera es el amor, y la otra es lo que normalmente me motiva en todas las decisiones que son importantes en mi vida:

El miedo al “hubiera”. No me agrada la idea de preguntarme un día qué hubiera pasado si hubiera hecho tal o cual cosa.

Además de éso, creí importante y sobre todo justo, el conocer la vida en el país de mi pareja, darle una oportunidad a su cultura, conocerla y aprender de ella como él lo hizo con la mía. Después de todo, él también había dejado a todo y a todos para estar conmigo. Y creo que el compartir esa experiencia -con todo lo que se disfruta y se sufre- nos ha unido más, nos ha hecho entendernos mejor.

Qué es lo que más valoras de tu matrimonio bicultural?

El respeto.

Valoro mucho la forma en la que hemos podido mantener el respeto a nuestras culturas y llegar a acuerdos sin hacer que el otro renuncie a sus creencias y costumbres.

Cuales fueron los mayores retos?

Me parece que hemos tenido dos grandes retos.

Las personas que abandonan su país de origen -por la razón que sea – pasan por un duelo migratorio y eso es algo muy difícil de entender si no lo has vivido. Ése fue uno de los más grandes retos.

Aparece la nostalgia, la sensación de soledad y una idealización exagerada de nuestro país de origen.

Yo recuerdo que al principio a mí me parecía que todo, absolutamente todo, era mejor en mi país, las comparaciones estaban al orden del día y éso, para nuestra pareja, puede ser algo muy difícil de comprender e incluso puede llegar a ser muy desgastante. La persona que no dejó su país puede tomarse todo personal, termina aislándose y aparecen los primeros grandes problemas.

Aparece también una falta de identidad en el migrante. Con el tiempo me di cuenta que no sólo extrañaba a mi país y todo lo que conocía, también me extrañaba a mí, la que yo era. Volví a ser como una niña pequeña que necesitaba que le enseñaran desde el idioma, hasta cómo moverse por la ciudad, que le tradujeran las etiquetas de los productos en el super mercado, una niña que dependía de los demás , y sobre todo de su pareja, para hacer muchas cosas. De hacer trámites y revalidación de estudios o de carrera, mejor ni hablamos. De repente no era la misma, de repente no era nada. Éso es algo fuerte. Por éso digo que yo creo que el hecho de que los dos pasamos por esa experiencia, nos hizo comprendernos mucho mejor, tenernos paciencia y saber que se trata de un proceso.

El segundo gran reto vino cuando nos convertimos en padres. La llegada de nuestras hijas fue otra sacudida. Hay una tendencia inconsciente (y a veces consciente) a imponer el propio punto de vista, las propias costumbres y creencias cuando se trata de la educación de los hijos.

Una pareja bicultural necesita ponerse de acuerdo en las creencias y forma de vida que le quiere transmitir a sus hijos y para ello es necesario tener un canal de comunicación amplio, respetuoso y sincero.

Y no es nada sencillo. Y si nos ponemos a pensar que la nuestra (mujer mexicana y hombre alemán viviendo en Alemania) es una de muchas constelaciones que existen, pues no acabamos. También podemos tener a una mujer francesa con un hombre español que viven en Inglaterra, o una mujer mexicana con un hombre griego viviendo en Grecia, etc, etc.  y cuando hay hijos de por medio, ahí se pone interesante el asunto.

Cómo los superaste?

El primer reto, el del duelo migratorio, fue con el tiempo y con el apoyo, la comprensión y la empatía de mi esposo. Fue un proceso muy largo. Otra cosa que me ayudó a realmente “llegar”, a realmente sentir que ya estaba en donde tenía que estar, fue la llegada de mi primera hija. Cuando todo este asunto dejó de tratarse de mí, de mi nostalgia, de mi identidad, de mi duelo, cuando ya había una hija de por medio, pude ver que no todo era como yo creía. No todo era mejor en México, sobre todo en el aspecto de la maternidad y seguridad social, desgraciadamente, cosa que me pone muy triste.

Pero pude ver las cosas de diferente manera y al cambiar mi perspectiva, cambió mi vida.

El segundo reto, el de la educación de nuestras hijas, lo considero también superado y aquí hay tres aspectos que han contribuido a que así sea:

1. Los principios y valores de mi esposo y los míos son los mismos, y creo que cuando éso es así, ya estás del otro lado. Los otros “detalles”, los hemos arreglado con mucha comunicación y apertura. Mi esposo siempre ha sido muy respetuoso de mis creencias, de la cultura Mexicana, yo respeto y admiro mucho a la cultura Alemana también y éso ayuda muchísimo a llegar a acuerdos.
2. Mi esposo y yo hablamos el mismo idioma, es decir, yo hablo Alemán y él habla Español y, parece mentira, pero es algo que puede marcar una gran diferencia a la hora de llegar acuerdos, de expresar y entender sentimientos, ideas, deseos y también a la hora de educar a los hijos. He escuchado casos de personas que se llegan a sentir aisladas de la educación de sus hijos cuando el cónyugue les habla a los niños en un idioma que él o ella no entiende.
3. El apoyo de nuestras familias. Tenemos la inmensa fortuna de tener familias que respetan nuestras decisiones en cuanto a la educación bicultural de nuestras hijas y no sólo las respetan sino que también admiran a la otra cultura. Tengo la dicha de tener una familia política que siente orgullo de tener a nietas, sobrinas, bisnietas que tienen una educación cultural diferente, que están creciendo con dos idiomas, que conviven con dos mundos. Mis suegros y mi cuñada dicen que es el mayor tesoro que les puedo heredar. Y mi familia es exactamente de la misma opinión. Cuando las dos familias se reúnen, hay un ambiente muy bonito de cariño, apertura, respeto e interés del uno por el otro, de las formas de pensar, de vivir y ésto facilita y enriquece la educación bicultural de mis hijas. ¡Ahora hasta ellas traducen las conversaciones entre la familia Mexicana y la Alemana!

Qué consejo le darías a una compatriota (o “your younger self”?) que recién llegó a Alemania?

Le diría que lo que vive es un proceso, que deje fluir lo que siente, que no luche contra ello, que no se resista, que no ponga atención al qué dirá la gente, que escuche a su corazón, que se informe y, sobre todo, que se vale pedir ayuda, también ayuda profesional.

Fíjate que algo que me hizo falta en aquél tiempo fue el poder encontrar a un psicólogo(a) o terapeuta que hablara Español.  Cuando llegué a Alemania, yo no hablaba bien Alemán entonces te imaginarás lo difícil que era para mí animarme a ir a terapia en un idioma que no dominaba. Ahora ya hay más medios, por ejemplo, hay incluso terapeutas en México dando consulta a distancia por Skype. Siento que ahora hay mucha más información y la labor que tú llevas a cabo con Chameleon, Wiebke, es una gran ayuda para la adaptación de un expat y para su salud emocional.

Muchas gracias, Nancy, por haber compartido tus valiosas experiencias con nosotros.