Rebecca Lüppen is the founder of SheExpat (www.sheexpat.com) and provides expat career and life coaching for female professionals and executives. She helps female expats actively manage the changes that a mobile life brings, balance work and personal life and interact confidently and successfully within different cultures.

Rebecca and I have known each other for a little over a year. We both live in Hannover/Germany and are co-founders of the “Institut für Mobilen Lebensstil”, where we teamed up with three other colleagues and specialize in empowering German-speaking families abroad. You can find us at www.mobile-familien.de.

I wanted to hear first-hand from Rebecca what it was like for her to return from abroad with her husband and four daughters just two weeks before the first lockdown. She talks about the particular challenges they faced, as well as the resources that have most helped her and her family overcome those challenges. You can watch the 30-minute Zoom interview on YouTube. The original interview is in German, therefore we’ve summarized all the key points in English for you here:

What were your biggest challenges when you returned from abroad right before the first Corona Lockdown?

• Repatriating at a time when everyone has to limit their contacts to their nuclear families and closest friends.

The feeling of finally being close to the family and yet not being able to visit them.

• Moving from a furnished apartment to an unfurnished house with four children, the youngest 6 months old. I only knew the house from the internet.
• After two weeks of school, my kids went into homeschooling.
• We were lucky, we scurried in just before lockdown or the move would not have gone so smoothly.
• Relative isolation of all family members.
• Organizational challenges I didn’t expect: applying for German birth certificates, German child benefits, etc. Everything was quite complicated because my former home municipality unfortunately hadn’t registered the children in the birth register (bureaucratic pitfalls…), health insurance…. somehow we were a special case everywhere. At the same time I was setting up my business, which is also a challenge but a very positive one.
• I definitely underestimated the “Fernweh” (opposite of homesickness) and still suffer from it a bit, especially since traveling is not possible. We wanted to show our kids more of Europe… that will all have to wait for now.
• And then there is the “Reverse Culture Shock”. As an intercultural trainer, I somehow thought I knew all about it and would be alright … well, what can I say … it caught me completely by surprise! I have problems with the mentality of my neighbors (friendly, but clear distance). Here in Germany, I miss a bit of the lightness in everything – of course, this can also be related to Corona. And I miss the “glamour” of expat life – the Ayi, a full-time housekeeper, great vacations, meals at five-star hotels several times a month and also the great house the company rented for us.

What helped you overcome these challenges?

• Optimism: I knew that we would manage well together as a family, because we have always managed everywhere.
• We have a positive attitude towards change.

External uncertainty no longer unsettles me internally, which of course helps. When you have started over in a new place so often, you just know that things will work out.

• I also knew that all the wonderful resources my Third Culture Kids have acquired would allow us them to settle in well. They are all open-minded beings who connect quickly, so I knew they would make friends again, too.
• I was determined to be very active in supporting the kids in find their new peer groups. So we planned a Welcome in Hannover party, because the children had already made their first contacts during a trial week at school and kindergarten, and I wanted to build on that – but the lockdown beat us to it. As soon as it was allowed again, however, we went for an outdoor climbing activity combined with a picnic, and were able to get in touch with some families that way.
• Of course, I’m also lucky that I moved near my former employer, so we were able to revive some “old” contacts from our expat days. This has particularly helped my big girl to meet up again with a friend from her communion group in Changchun. I also arranged to meet other expat women for a virtual coffee, some with a private focus, but also I actively reached out to those who also work as coaches for expats or intercultural trainers, and that’s how we eventually met.

In my opinion, the only way is to actively approach the environment. No one was waiting for us here, so you have to take action yourself.

What kind of support would you have wished for or did you make use of?

• For me personally, it was certainly good that I was still in my own coaching training, because there you explore yourself a lot. What I also experience again and again is that it helps parents tremendously to deal with what mobile life does to their children.
• And then, of course, I heard about your and Christina’s Arriving Program and was immediately totally excited. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to attend due to my schedule, but I you’ve told me about the topics that are discussed in the program. I think it’s something that can really help you in a very concrete way to realize certain things (what is a re-entry shock, what kind of attitude do Third Culture kids have towards the culture of origin they didn’t know, that wanderlust is a very common phenomenon, etc.). And then the opportunity to share it all in a group with other returnees who are in the exact same stage, that’s actually priceless.

Rebecca’s descriptions provide very good insight into the challenges of reentry and adjustment during Corona. We were also able to learn from her valuable personal tips for overcoming these hurdles. Thank you so much, Rebecca!

If you have also just returned home from abroad, you might find our Arriving Group Coaching Program for Repatriates helpful. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun we are committed to accompanying participants in their very individual arrival process. We combine well-founded background knowledge with proven strategies for a soft landing and offer the opportunity to exchange ideas with each other in a safe and benevolent setting.

The next starting dates as well as further information about “Arriving” can be found on this website. Furthermore, I offer individual coaching as well as preparatory reentry workshops. I would be happy to advise you in a free discovery call, which format is the most suitable for you. Please contact me by mail or choose an appointment via the calendar function.

You can find another blog article about reentry during Corona here. Have you also returned from abroad in the midst of the pandemic? I’m looking forward to your experiences in the comments!

Emotional Rollercoaster

In the 1960s, Gullahorn & Gullahorn’s empirical research established what many repatriates intuitively felt: Repatriates from a stay abroad suffer similar stress symptoms during the readjustment to their home country as they did when adapting to the host country at the beginning of their foreign assignment. As a result, they developed the W-curve of acculturation, which I have already illustrated in my blog article “Why we experience Culture Shock”. 

Such a curve cannot, of course, accurately reflect the experience of each individual, but it does illustrate that the expatriation cycle includes reentry and that there are typical ups and downs. The highs are called Honeymoon stage, the lows Culture Shock and Reverse Culture Shock. In between there are the stages of Recovery and Adaptation which may fluctuate. Basically, I find it reassuring to know that after every low, things will get better again. In this article I would like to explore the different stages of reentry.

The 4 Stages

The better prepared you are for your return, the milder your reverse culture shock will be and the sooner you can adjust. Let us therefore take a closer look at the 4 Stages of Reentry described by Craig Storti in his book “The Art of Coming Home” and let me add some of my own examples and experiences.

Stage 1: Leave-Taking & Departure – Good planning or abrupt ending?

The inner farewell begins months before the actual departure. Thoughts wander more and more often into the future: What will we do professionally? Where will we live? What school will the children go to? You write endless to-do lists for organizing everything from farewell parties to what to pack when, bureaucracy, etc.

At the same time, you unconsciously distance yourself a little, looking at your host country in a more critical way (“I’m certainly not going to miss the smog!”) and maybe even spending less time with your friends. This is an act of self-protection, so that the farewell doesn’t hurt as much. This stage is therefore characterized by a great ambiguity – rather typical for any major transition in life.

In 2020, many repatriates will have missed out on this stage due to the consequences of the Covid-19 pandemic, which will further complicate the process of coping with the return. If, for example, it was not possible to say goodbye to dear friends and places that have grown to your heart, if reentry is accompanied by a longer period of family separation, or if the children have not seen their classmates again before leaving the country, then this is a traumatic experience that should not be underestimated. It is advisable to seek support and give oneself time to process what happened in a healthy way.

Stage 2: The Honeymoon – Wearing Pink Glasses on Cloud 9

This stage actually feels much like a honeymoon or a home leave. You are full of joy to see family and good old friends again. You eat and do everything that you missed abroad. Everyone gives you a grace period and helps you settle in, not burdening you with any problems so far.

The Honeymoon stage, in which you see everything through pink glasses, lasts for about two to four weeks. Again, it is not the same process and intensity for everyone. Even within a family there can be big differences. It’s important to give everyone their space and be especially understanding. It is also important to keep in mind that in some cases not all family members return home (e.g. bi-cultural couples or children who were very young when they left the country).

Stage 3: Reverse Culture Shock – Subconscious Turmoil

The reverse culture shock is not a single moment or a sudden breakdown, but rather a complex, largely unconscious emotional state that can last for weeks or months. The transitions from and to the other stages are gradual. It is important to understand that reentry is a big change and takes time. Time to process everything. Space for the mourning over leaving a country, loved ones and a very special phase of life, in which you have grown a lot.

I have summarized the different causes for reverse culture shock in the following diagram based on what I found in literature, field reports, articles, and my own experiences. The areas affected by reverse culture shock are complex and often beyond our awareness. We often lack the vocabulary to describe the emotional chaos and name the pain points. This overview should serve as a basis for reflection.

Typical for this stage is the glorification of the time abroad. With a transfigured gaze, you rave about all the beautiful experiences and ignore the negative ones. Disillusionment sets in and now it’s the unpleasant aspects of home that stand out. Instead of wearing pink glasses, you now look through your “abroad glasses”, harshly judging the ones around you and criticizing everything.

Ironically, your environment expects that you have settled in and are doing well by now. On the inside, however, you suffer more than ever. You may not have a supportive friend by your side or even be ashamed that you aren’t happy. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with yourself, because little by little you realize the extent of your own transformation. You have changed and so have the others.

In addition, being a “cultural hybrid” comes with insecurities and emotional chaos. You start questioning if the assignment was worth it after all. A queasy feeling sets in as you fear you have to start all over again. In their jobs, repatriates often struggle with loss of status and autonomy. Everyday routines still have to be established, which costs a lot of energy. The transformation process is exhausting, and you have a tendency to be irritable, unfocused, unenjoyable, withdrawing and taking refuge in social media.

For children, the process can be just as complex and lengthy as for adults, even if they don’t show it so clearly. Here, parents should observe whether behavioral problems or longer depressive phases occur and seek professional guidance (see my consulting services and the reference to my network of experts). The responsibility for the children’s well-being often places an additional burden on the parents during this time. All family members need extra attention and loving understanding for each other.

Stage 4: Readjustment – Can we have it all?

And now finally the good news: It will pass! Sooner or later you will settle in and fully arrive. Now home feels familiar again, you meet friends at the supermarket, you are fully integrated in your job again, the children have settled in at school, the social network is in place. Routines and everyday life provide security, you regain control, develop more self-confidence and a vision for the future.

In this stage, both your countries can be viewed and reflected from a more balanced perspective. It becomes clear that you can combine the best of both worlds. It doesn’t have to be an “either-or” – you can create your own “as well as”!

Work with me

As a trainer and coach, I accompany repatriates through all stages, from assignment preparation and culture shock to reentry. I offer workshops as well as individual and group coaching. Together with my colleague Christina Kapaun I have developed a group coaching program for repatriates called “Arriving”. Here you can find all the details about “Arriving” and the next starting dates.

Hoping that you find something in here for yourself, I will now try to describe the first of my three re-entry experiences from my “younger self” perspective and then reflect on them with the knowledge and perspective I have today.

Re-entry #1

As a child of German parents, I was born and raised abroad. At home we always spoke German, I attended German schools for the most part and we spent the summer or Christmas vacations in Germany with my grandparents. I identified myself as a citizen of the world, with German being my dominant culture. I spoke German fluently and from my outer appearance I did not stand out very much from the crowd.

Only when I came to Germany at the age of 18 to start my education did it suddenly become clear to me: I was different on the inside. Pollock and van Reken describe this phenomenon in their book “Third Culture Kids – Growing Up Among Worlds” as that of the “hidden immigrant”. I had never danced to “Neue Deutsche Welle” music before, I didn’t know the traffic rules for cyclists and I simply didn’t understand many jokes because I grew up with a different kind of humor. In conversations with others, it became clear that I knew nothing about current social or political issues (it was 1991 and there was no internet back then!) and I felt vastly ignorant at times. Much of what I had learned in my life abroad and what I was proud of seemed to be completely irrelevant. My instinct to flee immediately kicked in: “I have to get out of here ASAP” and I wanted to go abroad again right after finishing my formal education.

In retrospect, this was in fact not a re-entry

Even though it was de facto not a re-entry for me, I had unconsciously developed the expectation that Germany must feel like home. But of course it could not. The only place-related feeling of home I knew was “being abroad”, that’s where I felt most at home. On the relationship level, my closest family was my home and, very importantly, my friends who had experienced similar things. We stayed in touch, travelled all over the country and abroad to visit each other, just to feel “at home” again. By the way, we still do that, just not as often.

I didn’t really settle down in Germany back then. All in all, those seven years I didn’t always live in the here and now. I was longing for the next adventure and always had some kind of exotic country on my mind.

Even though I felt very much at home in the cosmopolitan city of Hamburg, had an internationally oriented education, found wonderful open-minded friends, fell in love with the love of my life, landed an exciting first job and got to know the local culture, everything had an insipid aftertaste.

In retrospect, I know I could have enjoyed this time to the fullest. But there was one thing I hadn’t done: to consciously process those good-byes, my external and internal transition and my sadness about the losses. I did everything to keep myself happy with fun and new experiences until I could go abroad again. I believe this insipid aftertaste was owed to the fact that I was missing the exciting life abroad on one hand, but also because I was repressing and ignoring my deeper feelings so that I would not have to face the painful grief. At this point, I would just like to mention that the grief came many years later out of the blue and with double the force. And that is one of the things that I would have definitely approached differently with today’s knowledge.

So these are my reflections on my first re-entry, the next ones will follow soon. I hope I was able to take you along on my journey for a little while. Even though I experienced my return as Third Culture Kid, there are still some tips for returnees in general that I would like to recommend.

My 6 top tips for re-entry:

• Keep up to date with the news and media of your home country during your stay abroad
• Stay well in touch with friends and family at home, so that reconnecting will be easier when you return
• Ask yourself what your expectations for re-entry are and do a reality check
• Process your experiences and emotions consciously and seek support if necessary
• Reflect on how you can integrate the experiences and insights from living abroad into life at home in a way that feels good for you
• Look for other repats to exchange experiences and support each other

If you would like support with your own re-entry, I offer individual coaching and a brand new group coaching program. Feel free to contact me for a free discovery call or choose an appointment directly from my calendar.

For those of you who are parents of Third Culture Kids and are thinking about how to provide guidance for their re-entry, I offer informative sessions on the topic and will gladly recommend specialized colleagues from my network.

• Will I move back to my old place of residence or will I move to a completely new region?
• How often have I already been abroad?
• How long was I away?
• How well did I maintain contact with my home culture?
• What were the reasons and external circumstances for my return?
• What phase of life am I in?
• What are my educational or professional perspectives?
• What plans do I have for the future?

While some people are obviously overjoyed to be back in familiar territory, for many people disillusionment sets in after a while. Why is that? What exactly is happening? The topic of re-entry is complex and sometimes we find it difficult to put into words what we feel and experience, let alone talk about it with others. I would like to explain three important aspects of re-entry in more detail (based on Gerhard Winter, 1996):

1. Change of value orientations and attitudes towards life

At first, most returnees are happy to be back. They enjoy the comfort of familiarity. But after the initial euphoria, a sensation of emptiness and alienation may start to kick in. Why are people so stressed and inflexible? Have they always been so consumption- and performance-oriented? Abroad, people automatically take a different perspective and now look at everything with these new glasses. Depending on how long you’ve been abroad, the political climate has changed, the economy is in recession or even the whole country is in a pandemic with far-reaching consequences for public life. The topics in the press and also the discussions in the closer environment reflect a much narrower worldview than what one has developed abroad. People may appear self-centred or narrow-minded and seem to be unaware of how well they are doing compared to other countries.

2. Alienation from family and friends

The family and old friends usually welcome you back warmly and you enjoy this first time of reconnecting very much, because you missed them all so much abroad. For them, time hasn’t stood still either and babies were born, there were weddings, divorces, funerals, new jobs, moves and only those who have maintained contact abroad don’t lose touch. While you are full of enthusiasm and want to tell about all the experiences and important insights from abroad, you might encounter a lack of understanding or disinterest after a short time. Sometimes you’re even labeled as arrogant when you tell others quite naturally about a recent experience (“The other day on the Great Wall of China…”) Those who stayed at home did not follow along with your changes in values and attitudes, and it becomes painfully clear that you have “drifted apart” to a certain extent. Often returnees prefer not to talk about their experiences abroad anymore.

3. Loss of competence

The foreign assignment is often used as an important career step and is planned strategically. Therefore, professional reintegration after re-entry should be planned and supported well ahead, because all too often returnees are confronted with career regressions or little appreciation of their foreign expertise. This can lead to employees quickly seeking the next expat assignment or changing the company. In private life, it can also happen that the hard-won “foreign survival tactics” in the home country now seem obsolete (e.g. fast networking skills, foreign languages, right-hand drive or driving in chaotic traffic, tracking down English-speaking doctors, finding certain recipe ingredients, etc.). In addition, the partners who are travelling with them often had to take a break in their job and are now worried that their skills are outdated. A common challenge for a child is the change of school systems, who now appears incompetent in the new school system and has to prove himself against the prejudices of his classmates and teachers.

Back to square one or a new beginning?

The word returnee actually does not express exactly what it is. It is actually not a return to the old life, because after going through all these experiences and your personal development abroad, this is not possible. You have outgrown your previous life like an old pair of shoes that no longer fits. An important step towards re-integration and real “arriving” is the processing of the experiences and the emotions that go along with them. Returning home is just as much a transitional process as moving and settling in abroad – a process involving farewells, joy of reunion, grief, confusion and reorientation. This transition process challenges us to reflect and deal with ourselves and offers enormous potential for personal growth. This also includes dealing with your emotions – especially with contradictory and very unpleasant emotions. Emotions need to be felt, because if you ignore them, they will come back through the back door until they have your full attention. It takes time and courage. Corona has provoked an extraordinarily traumatic return for many expats. More than ever, awareness, patience and a large portion of loving self-compassion are needed.

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again. – Azar Nafasi

You will be rewarded with inner clarity and inner peace, which clear the way for your new integrated self, living a joyful life with fresh courage and a clear vision for the future. As a coach, I accompany returnees on this path, because it is much harder to walk it alone. I consider networking with like-minded people equally important and decided to create a group coaching program for returnees called “Arriving” together with my colleague Christina Kapaun. You can find all information about “Arriving” here and check out the dates when the next group starts. In my upcoming articles you will find “My top tips for a smooth landing” and some insights into my own re-entry experiences. Stay tuned!